Today's All-Consuming Rituals of Aging Well

A Senior's Hobby

As I was adding yet again to the arsenal of body-enhancing devices indicated to make my maturity more bearable a few days back, I decided to inventory the total number that I regularly engage with. If we travel downwards from my head, we might notice a tooth guard in place to prevent grinding in my sleep; hearing aids to keep my tinnitus at bay (and prevent me saying ‘eh?’ more often than is acceptable); two musicians’ ear plugs used at concerts and in movie theatres to slow down further aural deterioration; any one of my three pairs of eyeglasses - trifocal, computer or reading; a titanium hip joint that makes every trip through airport X-rays a potentially ear-damaging event; orthotics to be stuffed into each shoe at the start of the day; and corn pads applied to slow the number of needed chiropodist visits.

And that’s not including the bionic-looking braces that I’m advised to wear on each knee before activities like Alpine skiing or hill walking, along with the hiking or ice poles that are de riguer for the active elderly. There is also a pad for my damaged right wrist before I attempt a downward dog at yoga. Being blessed with a wife who could sleep through a train wreck, so far I have resisted the night-time oxygen mask that most of my senior male buddies strap over their faces so their long-suffering bed partners can get some shuteye.

Every four weeks I get a shot of an anti-IgE vaccine in each arm to control my asthma; every four months I go for an expensive ‘lube shot’ of hyaluronic acid in each knee to stave off a replacement; and every six months for a dermatological dry ice treatment for skin carcinomas developed in the days I tanned unprotected in the hot sun.  Plus, at this off-season, I trot along to an allergy office every five days for a serum shot to stave off spring and summer nose block. In addition to these specialists, I know my chiropractor, osteopath, and massage therapist as well or better than my family physician.

To supplement these now routine regimens, at every morning and evening I pop a colourful smorgasbord of pills. They cover ailments of the ear, nose and throat, the lungs, the stomach, blood pressure, cholesterol, joint pain, dry eye – in fact, all the many organ systems that no longer fire up nicely for me each morning.  I did enjoy one break recently in cutting out my twice daily Rogaine hair rub when it all finally turned to silver so that its continuing loss became less obvious.

These days I cannot imagine life without this kaleidoscope of aids and treatments, yet compared to my spouse’s long hours spent at pedicures, hair highlighting, and facials, I probably get off quite lightly. For now both of us seem have resigned ourselves to a wrinkled old age by resisting the lure of Botox, but we need to learn how to linger less in front of any mirror we encounter for that to last. As the list of lifestyle-extending options continues to grow, I can see their installation and maintenance becoming the way we fully occupy our twilight years!