Silence ||Jikook||✔

chapter 10: jungkook diary -3

Silence is a sound.. will you come to hear it ?
silence it's restlessness , let it speak to you.

My time is stuck in silence as well,
how do I tell you what has happened to me?

silence is a song, will you bring tune to it ?
They are words, sometimes come to hum with me...

Even the river's wave flows silently in my world
there are a million silence hidden in my blossoming moonlight as well.

The raindrops are also silent while in my burning heart the smoke is forming...silently.

The sky is also silent , come and fly with me.
Feelings are also silence, do you feel them?

It's silence that is wrapped around us , don't panic because this silence is not painful but beautiful.
                                 
                                                        -my love , jimin.

Dear one , jiminie,

I always wanted to call you this way . Today I did.
Do you know what happened in Busan? I will tell you in this note.

From childhood , silence was my only companion beside my older brother. I grew up with him. Mom and dad was always busy in their work. In school nobody played with me , at some point I feared to join anyone.

As I entered the middle school ,  it was all the same except my parents.  They often argued with each other and came late at night being drunk. And soon after their attitude changed to us.
I was left alone when brother got into work.

In middle school I was one of the topper. Because of that nobody came to befriend me. So I intentionally dropped my grades in order if someone comes to befriend me. But got scolded by teachers and parents.

Soon teachers changed their attitude towards me. They made me seem like an unwanted visitor . I was about to drop out but then one day I saw you at the school gate.

Under the sunlight your smiley face was shining brightly. I knew right then that I liked you. You were the reason that I stayed. 
And I got a nickname "cold prince"

I'm not actually cold . It's just that nobody understood me . I was afraid,  because I'm introvert . Yes , introvert. Not the one who likes to act cool.

I've been liking you for 2 years when I was in high school. You never noticed me. Whenever you did , that was coincidence. I was afraid to show you my face that's why I turned away.

But one day you came to me while i was writing a song named
"Silence"
It's a song about a boy seeking warmth.
The boy was me and the warmth were you.

You asked me to be your friend but I didn't want to be your just friend..but more than that. That day I got the courage to shift the page into your book . I'm actually proud of that. Do you still remember that song ? It's written above.

That day when I returned home everything changed . My life turned out upside down. My parents was about to kill me by drowning as they knew I like boys. I was never sure If i liked guys , but i was sure about you.

My brother saved me and sent me to seoul. I got to stay in his friend's house . I never wanted to live on someone . I found a job to support me . Then I was chosen from bighit.

I thought I forgot about you and those feelings.  But I was wrong.  You still make my heart beat,  this time more faster .
This time I restrained myself to be obvious .

Then the first day I got a call from brother jun that aunt was in hospital. He blamed me for that . It's true it was my fault that I brought the beers knowing I should not drink much at my age.

I was thrown out . That night I spent at bus stop and finally coming to the dorm.

Have I told you that your happiness is my wish? That's why I never felt the pain.
And have i told you that my life is in your hands? Today....

You yelled at me for the first time . I was taken aback. I knew it was my fault. I'm really sorry that I couldn't say sorry face to face to you. I know I shouldn't have caught you when you fall in the training which caused you to get scolded by the trainer.

I'm sorry jiminie ...

Please forgive me .

Those feelings were all to me you know? In this world you are the only one to me. My brother gave up on me because of family inheritance and brother jun hates me.

Jiminie....my life is going to end soon. I dont want to give up but my body and mind is refusing to understand.
Jiminie ...tell me what to do? This time it's so painful like thousands of needles are going through my body. Help me jiminie.
I'm feeling suffocated . I don't want any more pain.

I want you to know,

My silence...it was not just silence but true feelings and words that speaks for me. It wanted to reach you to tell you  but failed.

Tonight I know what to write in that blank space (my.......) , my jiminie . Only mine.

I want to thank you for everything.  For the happiness you gave me and your smile was the warmest thing in this world . I don't regret asking some time from god to spend with you.

You are sweet and softest to me no matter what you do . I will be forever your jungkookie , my love.
Just call me in your mind,  I will come running right away.

Jiminie ,

I love you and i miss you.
Dont be upset and don't cry because it's my choice.
It has nothing to do with you.
I want to meet you in another lifetime .
I wonder, if the sun will shine again and if I'll see your face again.

Goodbye my love
Your jungkookie.

Jungkook put down the pet and like always, flashed a smile. He will move on. Finally.