Amnesia, Book 1: A Girl Lost In The Woods

<Jeanette> Chapter IV: The Beginning

Location Unknown

Beloved. We would know why you choose to keep a memory that haunts you so, especially since you may erase it if you will.

You don’t understand?

Why keep something that hurts you but provides no benefit? You do not choose to sit in fire.

It does?

You have to keep it to remember her?

But why choose to remember anything other than the good? Are you punishing yourself? You know that you must never do that.

You say that you have to remember everything about her that you can. And that everything becomes good because it’s of her.

We do not understand becomes good. What is for us, IS. Always in a constant state. We understand that new emotions are created through the passage of time, such as bittersweet, but we can only experience such by becoming as you were.

Jeanette? Are you not listening again?

Yes we see the apartment, but why are we here?

You say that this is where you went to live after? After the funeral?

Yes. You can show us your room.

You already know. Picture your room and take us there.

This is not your room. This is the roof. What you see influences your thoughts. Clear your mind and picture carefully.

The air streams down sweet and cool from the beige ceiling fan overhead. It matches the color of all the walls, but we can only deduce that from the single uncovered space. One of your posters has fallen.

California Gurls… What is that?

Oh…

And you enjoy this?

Never mind. You can explain later.

The speckled carpet is plush and soft with a slight give. You feel it brush your bare feet as you hurry to the window, pulling back the pink sheer to watch the scene below. You know you’re just in time—even though it’s already happened.

The family car, old and weathered and familiar, sits on the side of the street, just outside the parking garage. A man whose hair is just beginning to turn from summer russet to autumn gray loads three oversized pieces of burgundy luggage into the back.

His heart is heavy, his mind filled with worry, but he doesn’t let it show. He’s going to be happy for her today—the day she goes off to college.

That’s you down there is it not? You’re barely recognizable with all of the piercings. A mini-skirt, striped tights and combat boots with rainbow skulls.

A phase? What is a phase?

Oh.

You hold the door open for your sister. She stumbles out of the lobby dragging two more pieces of luggage. A thick gray sweatshirt and baggy jeans. Her hair pulled back into a rubber band ponytail.

You two looked so similar only a thought before.

You help her load it inside. You smile at her as she scowls. You give her another hug—one of countless that day—and climb into the vehicle.

Tell us dearest one, if she’s going to college and you’re staying behind, why does she brood while you smile?

We see how hard you worked. Extra shifts at a restaurant to help pay for her tuition, when you knew your father’s income and her scholarship wouldn’t be enough.

Don’t tell her?

We won’t.

The sky grows dark as the hours pass. Two yellow headlights in the distance signal your return from the airport.

Your father climbs wearily out of the car. He takes you under his arm as the two of you head inside, but we know that it’s you who’s supporting him.

The lights flicker on just outside your room. You know you’re in the kitchen right now, preparing dinner. A cheerful voice… a face laughing warmly… entertaining for the rest of the evening so your father won’t think about her… won’t miss her so much.

It’s late when you open the door to your room. You have to be up again in a few hours for the morning shift.

You stare at your reflection in your bathroom mirror. You have a smile for everyone but yourself.

You lie in a bed more suited for a child than for a woman. You fall asleep alone again—you try not to dream—and the world sighs in silent stillness.