I Don't Want To Be Me

Short Story

I am fine.

Yes, that was before.

Until one day I doubted something.

I'm actually fine or pretending to look fine.

I always feel insecure about what they think I can do.

They say 'you can do it, you can do it!'

And it doesn't make my confidence go up, it makes my confidence fall, to the lowest point. I hate it when someone expects more from me. That means I have to put in more effort to make their words come true.

That's a very heavy burden.

I've always hated my surroundings. Because I always feel foreign.

They say 'you're too closed, try to open up a little'.

In fact I've been trying really hard, to open my self up. Interact with all of you, and it's still the same. There is no environment that makes me feel comfortable. The environment around me never suited me. Or maybe I just don't fit in this environment?

Akala ko pa naman kakaiba ako. Hindi tulad ng karamihan sa mga tao. Always thinking silly things that no one else thinks. And you know how painful that thought is?

Feeling too unfamiliar with everything. I feel like no one in the world understands how I feel. Feeling devastated because of problems that are said to be trivial for some people. Alam mo kung gaano kasakit?

Hawak ko ito. Patuloy na hawakan ito. Sinasabing maayos ang lahat. Huwag masyadong madrama. Ang buhay ay may roong tagumpay at kabiguan. What you feel is nothing compared to other people. Come on, get up. Is it time for a problem like this to go down?

Hanggang sa isang punto. Hanggang sa isang sandali. Hanggang sa isang pangyayari. I'm totally devastated.

I can't take this anymore.

Umiiyak na parang baliw.

If asked 'Ano ang iniiyakan mo?'

I can not answer.

Because I've been holding on to too much. Trying to look strong even though I'm far from that word.

I'm just a human figure whose feelings are easily offended, hurt, shaken because of trivial matters.

Ganun ako kahina. Inaamin ko. Ngunit ano ang mali? Bakit palagi akong pinipilit ng lahat na maging malakas? Bakit?

Trying hard isn't that great!

Ang pagsusumikap ay mahirap. Napaka.

Lalo na sinusubukan na magmukhang malakas.

Life is full of challenges and I know that there's a solution of that problem.