The Exiled Gem

Letter of Apology

She didn't know what Liam had done - but it had affected Akwanda too well. Just a month - and here was an official letter.

She picked it up and opening it, Alexandra read.

Emperor Liam

It takes me herculean effort to write this. It takes all my life's patience to write this. But now that we have started in the direction, the only way is the way forward - and that is what I seek to do. I agree I have been foolish. I have been stupid. I agree I was led by momentous anger, and I agree my head was turned by the sudden power that had fallen into my hands. I agree with all of those. And even now, I cannot comprehend the extent of my audacity – of having the very thought of writing to you after what has happened. Because after what I have done, I do not think I am fit enough to even take your name.

You see, Liam, such is the nature of ruination. Once we begin treading upon its baleful path, there is no return without the doing of a hundred sins. Perhaps I have done my share of them because now the blindfold of vengeance has been lifted from my eyes and I can see clearly – for once – how wrong I was.

Even as I write this letter, I feel guilt welling up inside me. I cannot bring myself to gaze into a mirror. I am ashamed. The King tells me your first treaty demand was that I should not be held responsible for this situation of Akwanda. Your instant forgiveness, your magnanimity had made me even more ashamed. I remember the letter you wrote to me, eight years back – it was short, it was crisp. It was a clear message that you were not ready for marriage at that stage. Had I understood your stand then, none of this might have happened. It is no formal letter I address to you, Liam – I am writing as Olivia, not as the Queen of Akwanda. And I hope you will see it that way, and judge it that way and do whatever you see fit only in the wake of both.

There was once a time when I hankered for a Queen's throne. A Queen's powers, a Queen's title. And honestly, there was a time when I thought I loved you. I say I "thought" so, because I now realize that it was nothing more than an obsession. True love never dies, and mine did – such that, at this point, I can confidently say the I am over those feelings. But more than anything else, in the past, your stern refusals wounded me. Oh, not my heart – they wounded my ego – my esteem – my pride.

I considered myself the best. Your rejection was the very first "No" I had heard in my entire life. And then, bit by bit, little by little, obsession grew into craze – and craze grew into wrath. Wrath. Wrath, because I was frustrated - and each time it happened, each time you declined that alliance, felt more of an insult than anything else. I despised the pity I was receiving; I despised the counsel my mother was giving me – to give up. But in the end, I did give up – and began another journey.

The journey of ruination – which is what I am in, right now.

It began with a single promise to myself – I would show you your true place. And have I not? Have I not shown you, Liam, your rightful place? I have! I have shown you how far above me you are. But then, that oath meant that I would be the cause of your ruin. Because of you, I had the taint of rejection – and I would give you far worse scars.

Holding on to that immature decision - that impossible oath, I accepted the first proposal that came from one of your enemies. I accepted my position as Akwanda's Queen. And as my mouth spoke my marriage vows, my mind calculated how I would use this newfound power against you. All this time, my heart burned in the fire I had started myself. My heart burned in the fire of Vengeance.

Immediately afterwards, I began planning. And perhaps I could have done some actual harm, had I thought practically. Fortunately, as I can now say, my eyes were blindfolded. And that was why the plot was weak - the weak plot, however, has today enabled me to repent. Since the first full moon of the previous Winter, I put all my resources, devoted all my time to that despicable desire of causing you harm. Oh revenge – only the ones who have been engulfed by its desire – can say how strong it is. How inescapable, how powerful. But I make no excuses, for to let the seed of vengeance evolve in your heart, you must water it with resentment. And I gave it sufficient scope for germination. The process of it was a bumpy road, it offered me a hundred obstacles, it tried a hundred times to make me retrace my steps. But no, I walked on and on until I reached where I am today. I shunned my well-wishers. I stopped all correspondence with my father's side. I kept myself alone - I kept the fire of revenge, which needs no fuel at all, burning in my heart.