Heavier Cross (23/07/21)
I am hot. I am confident. I am beautiful. I am inteligent. I am worthy. I am enough. The mirror talks back in unspoken words of unkindness and pain. So much pain. Because how can I be what people want and still be hurt? How can I look right but somedays feel wrong? I am bettering myself to fit in the shelfs of beauty and desire and perfection. There is no such thing as perfection, more like reflection of what we have been through. We should be thanking our bodies for surviving such pain and sorrow and misspelled words of hate on the tongues of little boys who didn't know better. What rude tongues they were. But the one who broke me thought it was doing me a favor by saying I was too much. Too loud. Too much of myself. How can one be too much of themselves? My heart was broken over something I couldn't change. And God knows I tried to change. Silence didn't convinced me. Didn't satisfied me. Silence was painful. My smile was never the same after that day but I got to break him too. I got to love him more then I ever should and I smashed his little fragile heart with my two fists of anger and tiredness of never being enough. Thats when I learned to never love someone more than I love myself. Thats when I learned that if being me wasn't enough then he wasn't enough for me. I found peace and forgiveness but not for what I did to him only to what he did to me. I can still feel his heart being crushed on my hand and its a never ending memory of pain. The kind of pain that doesn't leave but leaves you with a heavier cross.
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