Little kids

Chapter II

People, ah, people, yes the ones that will always judge you on everything, on how you smile, how you walk, how you eat, how you laugh. It hurts most of the time. Just hearing people judge you. How many times I have wanted to cry in front of them because of the hurtful words they say. They think I can just be everything they want me to be. They don't realize the hurt they can give me in those 4 simple words they say without hesitation "you.are.too.fat"

But hey it doesn't matter right? At then end you have family.
Hm. No, even family will judge you at your darkest times. You don't have anyone besides yourself, and sometimes we don't even have ourself. We spend most of our day judging everything we do, all because of people judging us. Having to step in to the standards people have for us, it's hard. Having to act "ok" for people. Sometimes I just feel like the problem is me. If I didn't exist everyone would be happy. No one will miss me. Of course, just for some days, maybe even hours, they will miss me, a little bit, but then they will all be happy, that I'm not here anymore. What if. What if end it all. What if. What if I could be perfect. What if. What if I wasn't myself.

People don't know what being me feels like, not even if they come into my room at 2 am and catch me having a break down, crying my self, hating myself. Even when they see all that they will just act like if it doesn't matter, they will say "she's just dramatic" but they don't know how much it takes to get to the dark place I am in. All the people judging me. All the people hating me. All the people trying to change me.

Cant they just accept me on the way I am? Cant they see I'm trying? Cant they see I'm suffering? Cant they see I'm not ok?

All those questions keep me up at 4 am.
Crying in a dark room. Thinking about what I did wrong that people hate me so much.

How is it that people don't notice they are slowly killing me?
At this point I'm amazed I haven't end it all. The only thing that helps me survive the day is music. To be honest, music is like my scape from reality, I can crate my own reality in my own world. Just put the headphones on,close my eyes, and be in my own special world where no one can ruin it. Just like When I was little kid. Happy, smiling, having fun.

I believe it's safe to say, I wish I could be a little kid again.