Surviving Twin Flame Connections

You Deserve So Much Better

It always breaks my heart when a client comes to me with their tale of wonderful connection, deep and abiding love, and then ghosting. They always ask me the same question—Why did they leave? The next question runs the gamut of when will they come back and what did I do wrong.
I want you to stop right now and repeat these affirmations.
I am worth more than I have settled for.
I deserve honest love.
I receive the love I most want for myself.
I love myself enough to not settle.
Now think about each of these statements and understand that I share them with you from a place of having gone through so many of the same trials as you have and I have finally come out on the other end with a happy, connected, and loving partner who sees the real me and with whom I feel comfortable being myself.
My self-esteem issues began when I was young. I was in elementary school when I was put into a "remedial gym class" because I was overweight and my previous elementary school didn't have a gym program at all. I remember with the same twist in my gut having to get on a scale in the nurse's office every week, in front of everyone else in that "fat kid's gym" class and have my weight and whether I'd lost or gained weight since the previous week called out loud. I remember being in high school and the other girls laughing at me in gym class because I was chubby and uncoordinated. The fact that my mother chimed in with her thoughts on how pretty I'd be if...If I wore makeup. If I lost weight. If I didn't slouch. If...if...if...
Decades of that kind of talk led to even more decades of negative self-talk that left me sobbing after I walked past a frat house on my college campus and some random guy shouted out the window, "Look at that fat bitch thinking she's cute in shorts!" I believed all those horrible things people said about me and I learned to hide myself. I wore baggy clothes that never touched my lack of waist. I hid in the back of photos. I chose to remain silent rather than speak my mind. And I taught people it was okay to dismiss me and my needs because it was easier to just people please than to stand up and demand to be seen.
Then came the issues with relationships that haunted me until I was nearly 50 years old. The narcissists who took everything I offered, including money I didn't really have to spend, and gave nothing in return. The gaslighting that turned every error on their part into my fault. The belief that being in a power exchange relationship would give me the freedom to be of service while maintaining my need to be loved. Every time I set aside my needs for someone else's I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought, "If I do this for them, they'll see how valuable I am and they'll love me."
Because being loved was really all I wanted. I wanted to be held with tenderness, loved in the way I loved others. I wanted to be seen for the wonderful woman I was, and yet I always allowed others to step on me and tell me I wasn't worth what I most desired in a relationship.
Does any of my story sound familiar to you? Have you taught others that you are not worth as much as they are in your relationships? It could be romantic relationships or friendships and even family relationships. When was the last time someone said or did something that hurt you and you just walked away thinking you must have done something to deserve that hurt. I'm here to tell you, it's not you, it's them. And at the same time, until you love yourself the way you want others to love you, you'll continue to go through the motions of relationships where you're left at the end with nothing but painful memories.
I remember the first time I met someone I wanted a relationship with in college. His name was Eric and I was head over heels for him. He was a little older, had long hair (something I love on a man) and was a philosophy major. He introduced me to music I love to this day and he showed me that no matter how far I debased my self-worth, some people wouldn't care. We were only together for a few weeks. I later found out he had an ex he was going to get back together with when we met. We had sex—something that has always been a conflict for me because sex and love are inseparable in my head—and then he dumped me. He stopped returning my phone calls and avoided me when I visited my friend who lived down the hall from him. I was ghosted in the era before cell phones, texting, and email.
I was distraught. I've always been spiritual and used the tools of spirituality to find answers, so I turned to my pendulum and made myself a spirit board and I asked all the questions my clients ask me today.
What did I do wrong? How could I have been more what he wanted? Would we get back together? When would he call?
And you know what? For the first time in my life, my tools failed me every time. They gave me the answers I thought I wanted and they were LIES!
The truth was, I didn't do anything wrong except teach Eric I was not worth even the common courtesy of being told we were no longer in a relationship. I couldn't have been more what he wanted because I wasn't what he wanted in the first place. He wanted the ex and they later got married. We wouldn't get back together because he'd already moved on. And he wouldn't call, ever again. In fact, I never heard from him again until I happened to come across his profile on Facebook some 30 years later. We chatted once or twice and then I unfriended him because he no longer fit into my world and my understanding of who I was and what I deserved.
But, in truth, I'm stubborn and sometimes it takes several bashes over the head and kicks in the butt for me to actually learn a lesson. In the years that followed, my self-worth fell farther and farther into the depths of the hell I'd created for myself, until I found the Leather community and believed I'd found my home in the world. As a submissive woman, I could be the quiet servant who was able to anticipate the needs of my dominant. I could be perfect! And for all intents and purposes, I was. Everyone said so. Everyone but the man I was in a relationship with.
I say "man," but it was really "men" throughout a nearly 20 year portion of my life. These men who were glad to accept my service and everything it meant for them, but were unwilling to give me what I needed in return. And I wasn't looking for anything outrageous. I just wanted to be loved and appreciated. To be valued as much as I valued what I did for them. And every single one of those men told me in as many ways possible that I wasn't enough. They sought out additional partners and servants and called it polyamory. They cheated and called it their right as the dominant. They lied and said I should just believe the lie and I had no right to demand honesty from them. They took my money, my time, my skills, and my love and told me that none of it was worthy of the exchange I asked for—love, appreciation, and value.
When I stood outside the rental office of the landlord for a business I'd sunk everything I had into for the man I'd been serving at the time, crying because I'd just given them my last $300 and had nothing left to pay my own rent or feed myself for the month, and decided ending my life was better than living the way I was—that was when things started to change for me.
I found a therapist who understood the power exchange lifestyle I lived and I started really listening to my best friend when we talked about relationships, our therapies (we were seeing the same therapist), and our self-worth. I started standing up and saying things like, "No," and "It's not okay."
And that was the beginning of the end for me in the leather community. I no longer found the same value in those relationships because experience had taught me that no matter what I asked for in negotiation, if I wasn't willing to stand up and hold my ground until I got those things, the dominant would do as they pleased and I'd be right back there, crying in the North Carolina sunshine and thinking of how I could kill myself and put myself out of that misery. I never wanted to go back to that place, and so I started moving away from the community and power exchange relationships. It wasn't an easy transition, but the upside was, I felt better about myself with every no and every time I beat the It's Okay Girl down.
I started treating myself with the kind of love and care I hadn't been getting from my relationships. I spent about five years alone, not in a relationship with anyone but myself, and I came out of that period stronger and happier than I'd ever been.
What's my point? Simply this. Love yourself first. Love yourself in all the ways you want others to love you and don't settle for anything less than the amazing love you have with and for yourself. You deserve the kind of love you have for yourself and don't let anyone ever convince you otherwise. Be patient with yourself and don't try to rush into a relationship with anyone else until you're certain they will value you as much as (or more than) you value yourself. Love yourself enough to say to someone who doesn't give you the love you deserve that it's them and not you and you're leaving to find someone who understands how to love you. Stop fearing being alone and use alone time to love on yourself even more.
Remember the affirmations:
I am worth more than I have settled for.
I deserve honest love.
I receive the love I most want for myself.
I love myself enough to not settle.
Repeat them. Live them. Love yourself.