Making My Way In Life

Saturday, July 24, 2021

12:47

This is not a journal entry, so much as a letter to someone I used to know, and needed to get off my chest...

Dear R,
I understand you'll never see this, and it pains me to not tell you, but I had the most wonderful dream last night. You and I had the most beautiful baby girl together. She looked just like you, with your brown eyes and your beautiful smile. The only feature she got from me was my hair, thick and my shade of red, not the nice deep shade like yours. I loved you both, and you loved us both, and it felt so real, so real. My dream gave me the love I wished for a long time that I would one day receive from you. I wish that I could find the courage to tell you how I felt when you texted me that dreadful day, but it wouldn't change anything. Maybe if I'd told you anyone of the times I saw you after that how I felt, and knew that you still felt the same way, it would be easier for me to leave you in the past. Now though? It's too late, I'm three states away, and we don't talk. I once had a dream, about two years ago, where you were jealous that I was with another guy, and I didn't care about your jealousy because I was in love with my dream guy. Of course, my dream guy is you, but in my dream, he was different. Everyone I know always tells me that I need to "move on, he's not worth it, he's just a dick," and I want to listen to them. I want to hear their words and say back to them "You guys are right, he's a dick, I'll move on," and I want to believe my own words, truly I want to. But how can I, when I never got any closure? You never gave us a shot, too scared, I think. But of what? I don't know. The commitment, hurting me, getting hurt?

Maybe I'll never know, and because if that I wonder every single day if I'll ever find another love like I felt for you. One that makes me feel hope for my future, one that makes me feel whole and complete. A love that happened because I knew him. A love I felt for you, because I knew you. I know you don't feel these things, and maybe you never did, but when I woke from my dream this morning, I felt like half of me was missing. Like a mother who lost her child, a wife who lost her husband. A woman who lost her entire world, her reason for living. I suppose, in a way though, I did exactly that. In my dream I had you, a baby, we were a family, everything I'd ever dreamed of. Upon waking, I lost it all, ripped away from me by this harsh, cruel reality I live in. A reality where you don't love me, where I don't have a someone I love as much as I did, I do, love you. I hope one day, I'll find a love like that, but for now, I must continue to dream of my alternative timeline. But I want you to know, R, that our daughters name, one you picked out, was Hannah Marie. She carried your last name, and so did I. And she was my whole world. Now she's gone, and I'm so sorry.

-Azure