The Hope Journal

The Hope Journal-Chapter 1 (Sara)

Hey Everyone! Once again I'm starting another story. I hope that you enjoy it as much as I am going to! :)-Hope

CHAPTER 1

~Sara~

     When you hear the words loser, jerk, gay, or ass, what do you think of? Maybe you think of the nerd that sits next to you in AP math class or maybe you think of the girl down the street who has never gone on a date. However, I bet that you have never associated those words with a young boy with Asperger's sydrome. My brother Samuel, Sam for short, was diagnosed with Asperger's on May 12th 2001, my 8th birthday. He was only three. That day, I made a promise to myself. I would never again call anyone a loser, a jerk, or an ass hole because I knew. I knew and I still know, that everytime those words slip out of someone's mouth, no matter how loud or how quiet, someone is hurt by them and I've found that most of the time, it's Sam. I love him. It's as simple as that. He's my brother and I'm his sister. He relys on me and I'm here for him, most of the time. This isn't Sam's story, and it's certainly not mine, it's a story about Hope. Hope with a capital "h". Hope and trust. They mean almost the same thing, but in this story they're different. Don't ever let go of hope. Without it you'd be lost in the world. Sure, other people would know that you are here, but you yourself wouldn't know. You wouldn't be able to find yourself. Trust, however, can dissapear just as quickly as you gained it. It's hard to get back, but not as hard a hope. Once you lose hope you begin to question. Why are you here? What is your purpose? Who are you?

     I've never been the kind of girl that was popular in school. Sure, my parents didn't ship me around the country from school to school, I can thank Sam for that, but I've just always been the outcast. The weird girl. The farm girl. I never wanted to live on a farm. That was definitely not on my list of things that I want to accomplish in life. Renee, my mom, always used to tell me that I should be thankful for what I have. Personally, I think she's off her rocker. I should be thankful? For what? For the fact that I take care of Sam more than his own parents? For my seven dead brothers and sisters? Those don't really seem like good things to me. Sure, I love Sam, but when Renee and her new husband, Bob, left us it didn't seem like a fair deal.

     Five years ago my parents got a divorce. My dad, Jack, said that he couldn't stand us and that he wasn't going to continue to pay for Sam's medicine or for my private school. So he left. I haven't seen him since. Of course he sends monthly child support checks and sends Sam and I cards on our birthdays and at Christmas, but now he has another familiy with some young blonde chick named Marcy. They have four kids, three boys and a girl, I personally feel bad for that girl. She has to put up with her brothers and her dad. I've never officially met the kids but i've seen pictures. Before Mom started dating again she would always cry whenever we got those Christmas cards. I was never sure if she was upset because that's what our family could have been or because she missed Dad. To this day, I still don't know. Mom's attitude changed entirely when she met Bob, her new husband. Bob was one of those people who acted like they liked you but in reality, he didn't give a shit. They got married after they had been dating for two months, it was also two years after the divorce. That's when I started calling Mom, Renee. She was different so I figured that she needed me to call her by her real name. She didn't really feel like my mom any more. Her and Bob were always fighting and half the time I ended up taking care of Sam by myself. This wasn't good for him.

     Since Sam has Asperger's Syndrome he hates change and all of a sudden things were changing. Dad left. Instead of Renee taking care of him, I was. He got a stepfather. His routine was messed up. I don't think that I've ever seen a year where Sam broke down so many times. He was constantly having fits, almost every day. He would cry and scream and try to injure himself. He would hit his head against the wall for hours. Renee and Bob didn't care. They were too caught up in their own lives to listen to Sam's pleas. So, naturally, I was pushed into the job. I couldn't sit back and let Sam hurt himself and make a scene. So, I had to be the one to calm him down. I had to be the one to make him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I had to be the one who would take him to appointments and shopping. At first it was hard. No eighteen year old girl wants to take care of her fourteen year old brother and since Sam is an Aspie it makes it even worse.

     I remember one time a couple of years ago, we were going grocery shopping, on Saturday at ten o'clock and Sam had a breakdown. We were just walking down the cereal isle when he stopped walking with me. I turned around and he was on the ground curled up. At first, I thought that he was hurt. He wasn't. The only problem was that his favorite cereal, gluten-free Cheerioes, was not on the shelf. He freaked out and started crying. Then he stood up and started flailing his arms around. He knocked down a bunch of cereal boxes and there was cereal all over the isle. It took all I had for me to hold onto his arms and push him to the ground. Sam will only calm down if pressure is exerted onto him. I threw my body weight onto him and eventually he calmed down, but not before everyone in the store had seen us and the manager had yelled at me and made me pay for all the damage that was done. I had to explain to the manager that Sam had Asperger's. He didn't believe me at first but when I showed him Sam's Autism card he finally let him go. We haven't gone back to that grocery store since and all because of a box of Cheerioes that wasn't on the shelf.

Authors note: The first chapter was kind of boring wasn't it? Sorry, I was just trying to introduce and give a background of the characters. I hope you want more.

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Thanks-Hope :)