The Hope Journal

The Hope Journal-Chapter 3 (Sara)

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Thanks,

Hope!

Chapter 3

~Sara~

     I have never liked bugs. First of all, if you think of all the places that they have been...it's just gross. Second of all, they're pests and third of all, I know WAYYY to much about them. Thanks to Sam. He is always spouting off information about bugs. It's not that what he tells me isn't interesting, it's just that I've heard it all before. I try to act like I care, because that's what a good sister would do but, it's hard. It's a lot harder then you would think. Besides the things like having a set routine and having fits, Sam isn't too good with people. He's socially inapt. He can't feel emotion and he has trouble reading others emotions. He's seen me crying before and he hasn't thought anything of it. To him, it's just something you do when your sad. He doesn't understand what being sad is like, thought. He can't even look people in the eye and when it rarely does occur it's not for long because he feels akward.

     I remember one time I was looking through a photo album from when I was younger, before Sam was born. In the one picture I was with Renee and Dad and my seven other brothers and sisters. Max, Hope, John, Lucy, Alex, Brett, and Claudia. It was before they all died and I began to cry. Sam didn't understand why I was crying and he asked me about it. When I tried to explain it to him he got confused and tried to relate their deaths to bugs. I got angry at him and hit him. That was the first time that I had hit Sam and I was so upset, he on the other hand didn't seem to mind too much. He was used to it from Renee.

     Out of my brothers and sisters, Max was the oldest, he was eleven. Hope and John, the twins, were nine. Lucy was seven, Alex was six, I was three, Brett was two, and Claudia was eleven months old. Renee was also pregnant with another child, Sam. I remember the fire like it happened yesterday. It was a Tuesday in March. I remember that it was cold and I had woken up early the morning. I remember having a bad dream, I don't know what the dream was about, and I woke up crying. I then remember going and playing in the living room of our big farm house. I had my blanket with me, the one with the holes that I would carry around everywhere, and some how it ended up getting close to the heater. It had started smoking and it was burning my lungs and eyes so I went outside to the barn where Renee was milking the cows, back when we still had cows. I told her that the house was smoking and she ran out of the barn. When she got outside I heard her scream and take of running towards the neighbors house, which was about a mile and a half away. I realized later that since she didn't have a cell phone, she had to run to the neighbors house to call 911. Seeing her running with her pregnant belly had made me laugh but soon I saw that the house was on fire. Red and yellow flames were shooting towards the sky and the whole thing was smoking. Then, I realized that my brothers and sisters were still asleep inside. I knew enought about fire safety to not go back into the house so instead I began looking for my father. I couldn't find him but I found out later that he had been at work. Whenever Renee got back, the house was in ashes and there was nothing left for the fire trucks to save. My brothers and sisters were dead and it was all my fault.

     I never told Renee or Dad that it was me who had started the fire and to be honest, I'm not even sure if it was me, it was so long ago and I was so young. But, I do know that after the fire, our lives changed entirely. People started giving us charity and Dad didn't have to work as much any more. Renee had Sam and our farm house was re-built. Renee and Dad got cell phones and everything seemed better. Eventually, Renee and Dad started to fight and Dad left for another woman, Marcy. When they got the divorce Renee sold the farm and we moved into town in order to save money. I had to go to a different school and my life, once again, was drastically changed.