What Remains of You

The Entry

The sunlight streamed through the window of her room, creating a kaleidoscope of colours over her bed. The light hit Rebecca's face, but her eyes were already open. She had been awake for a while, still getting used to the fact that her brother would not be downstairs to greet her. She already missed him so much. The ache that had only been in her chest before now spread to her whole body. It filled it up like water spilling over a glass, going even past her toes to the bed beyond.

She had never experienced anything remotely close to this. In fact, even when Jasper had died she had to force a tear when her mom told her the news. She knew what had happened to him before her mom even walked in the room, but that was a secret she would never tell.

Her mom said that he had been found dead in the backyard with no visible problems other than the fact that his heart wasn't beating anymore, but Rebecca knew what really happened.

She had heard that chocolate could kill dogs and wanted to see how much would actually do the job. She had started by only giving him little bits but after a while of little to no symptoms, she gave him a whole chunk. It didn't take long for her mom to come into the room with a sad and broken look on her face and tell the family what had happened. Deciding that they wanted him buried close to them, her dad took out his shovel, created a big enough hole, and they had a small memorial service for him. He laid in their backyard where he died, opposite the treehouse.

She had only been eight but felt very little remorse or guilt for what had taken place because of her. She only regretted it when she saw the tears in Dennis's eyes. That was the only secret she had ever kept from him because she didn't want their relationship to be tarnished. If Dennis had walked into the room at that moment though, she would have told him everything, but alas he would not. She would do anything, even break the law if it meant she could talk to him one more time.

After a while, the pain in her chest came again, and she stood up and walked to her desk. Taking out his diary that she had stashed in a daze the night before, she continued to read it. A lot of the entries would talk about his school day, and on occasion, it would mention Rebecca. They were mostly nice things and would just talk about his day with her, but a few times he would go on rants saying that he just wanted to do his own thing, and not have to drag her along. Lies, she thought. That was just your girlfriend brainwashing you.

She continued throughout the book, but every time a negative thought about her or something bad even remotely close to calling her over-protective, she would make an excuse in her mind denying it. It would usually be surrounding his past girlfriend or he just had a bad day that day, that was all. She believed he loved her and she would do anything to tell him she loved him back.

When she got to entries explaining how he was feeling inside and the hard things he was going through, she would always skip over them to respect his privacy. From time to time again, there would be entries about dad, and often there would be tear stains splattered across the page. She could tell which ones talked about him just by the slight curl and indents where the timid water from his eyes had dried.

Once the remaining pages started to get thinner, she decided it was probably time to stop and eat something before continuing. Putting the book more securely into her desk than the way she tossed it the night before, Rebecca walked downstairs. She trudged down the steps, taking her time and thinking about how Dennis would never walk down these stairs again. I wish he could, she reflected. Each thought was more torturous than the last, constantly creating scenarios where he was there with her. Again, the idea that she would do anything to see him again entered her mind. She concluded that this was just her way of dealing with the situation, and it showed how much she loved him.

She took the last step at the bottom and walked into her mom making bacon and eggs. A lot of bacon and eggs. Even though at this point, there were only two people in the house, she had used the whole package of bacon and emptied the fridge of its eggs. Rebecca knew this was her way of coping because, for her mom, cooking was an addiction. It brought her out of this horrible world and into a space of ingredients, recipes, and imagination. It was her coping mechanism.

Taking a chair out from the round, wooden table, Rebecca sat down and asked for some of the food her mom was cooking. Her mom stopped whisking and came out of her trance like a bear waking up in spring. She brought her a plate filled with food that Rebecca knew she would not be able to finish, but she took it anyway.

"Thanks, Mom." She only got a nod in response. She took the fork from the plate and carefully ate them. Her throat felt like it had a rock in it stopping her from eating. It was like her grief was taunting her, taking away all the things she enjoyed and loved in life. After only eating a little bit of food from her plate that she couldn't even taste or enjoy, Rebecca stood up and walked back to her room ready to finish the diary.

She entered her room for the second time that day and grabbed the notebook. It was a leathery brown with the words DIARY sprawled in stiff letters across the front. It wasn't that inconspicuous and she was surprised that she never saw it before. She brushed her fingers over the words when suddenly the edge of one started peeling off like a sticker. She continued to pull on them and the letter flaked off the cover. She looked at the back of the peeled-off word and realized she would be able to stick it back on again. It was one of those reusable stickers that Dennis would have been able to take off and place back on whenever he wanted to.

But Dennis would have been smart enough to take it off after the last time he used it. This is way too personal to make a mistake about hiding it, so why would he leave it on? She continued to twist it between her fingers, thinking. Do you think he left it there on purpose? No, that's silly, why would he do that? Deciding to stop questioning it so her brain didn't turn to mush, she began through the journey that was Dennis's diary again.

The sooner it got to his death date, the shorter the entries became. He mentioned nothing about getting a new girlfriend. Dad started to get brought up more, but instead of tears on the page, the words were deep and dark, engraved on the page like he had pressed his pencil hard in anger while writing them. She turned to the next page which was dated the day before his death. There were only two sentences scrawled across the page that sent shivers down her spine.

August 13th

I don't think Father's death was an accident. In fact, I don't think he got into an accident at all.

Rebecca stared blankly at the page. Nothing processed in her mind other than the words. Dad wasn't in an accident? She hastily flipped to the next day. Yesterday. The day he was taken from me.

August 14th

I am going to the place that dad died today. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that if I don't come back, it is going to be a very cloudy day.