ManBeast - Book 1: A Kingdom of Predators

Foreword

"Part's work" in psychotherapy is defined by the concept, use and therapeutic focus towards "parts": the idea that our personality is composed of a number of various emotional connections given degrees of personification within our subconscious. The first time I heard this term, it already sounded familiar, and I understood it intrinsically. Not as a result of some touted product of academia, but because I had already mentally classified my "parts", and was fully cognizant of the various aspects to my complex inner life that I had yet to fully master or understand. For anyone who might be confused, lemme put it this way: I could easily go from partying my ass off, to fully introverted and contemplative within a matter of hours, perhaps minutes, depending on the surrounding circumstances (ask my boys, they'll tell you lol). I was almost always the first to argue and fight with teachers, had poor to mediocre grades, but also graduated from high school "with distinction" and went to a prestigious HBCU (aced that Math B Regents exam, first try. No cap. And I hate math). I went hitless during a season of little league baseball, only to belt out back to back doubles in a playoff game; scoreless and timid a in roller hockey season, winning goal animal in semi-finals. I seemed to change, to alter my very sense of self at times, and inexplicably would act or react to various outer and inner stimuli that at first glance would seem benign. Why was that? Why did some see me as a "wild-man", others saw me as an "academic", and others something completely different? Was it solely the expression of my conscious behaviors? And why did everything they would say about "me" seem so...accurate and yet not?

Even before learning about "part's work", almost everything I ever head from my peers, colleagues and family members about "who I was" were both simultaneously true and false; the "Schrodinger's Cat" conundrum of interpersonal dynamics. The hardest part of digesting the concept of "part's work" was the further realization that my "parts" were largely borne from traumatic experiences that had been left unresolved for so long; a tool I had developed as a child to mentally and emotionally survive. The concept of "complex trauma" was a profound revelation; the idea that "harm" isn't always a solitary single event, but can be the effectuation of multiple failures or abuses that a child endures and internalizes. Being the oldest and only boy in my family was not easy for a myriad of reasons, and often feeling the need to protect myself created psychological barriers that greatly affected my sense of self. To survive, I needed to divide who I was; to avoid unnecessary conflict, I needed to see it coming. Learning to change my emotional landscape at will was something that became second nature by the time I was 12; I could sniff out those actors who meant harm and those who did not. This did not always prevent issues from arising, but allowed me to utilize every negative experience in such a manner that my "parts" became more distinct and at times, internally conflicted. No greater example exists than those famous words "You know I love/care/concerned about you, right?" If so, then why is my mind telling me all of the contradictions that say otherwise?

This world that I have created within the book is meant to explore those concepts within one of the most audacious interpersonal connections a young man can have: the relationship between the mentor and the mentee. I've had more "big brother" figures than I can count, emulated myself at times in pursuit of their perceived "coolness", and hung out with some strange and interesting characters so much so, that now at times I shake my head over in laughter those wacky adventures ("Brooklyn? No security? Gettin' in FREE, you say? I'm there gz"). In this fictitious setting, the protagonist of the story exists between two figurative worlds, and is pulled into exploring his identity through the efforts of a father-figure who has his own agenda. While being sucked into a universe that has its own rules and regulations, our protagonist very quietly must learn to cope with the inundation of new thoughts, feelings and emotions that many people don't ever fully come to terms with. His pursuit of "self" will lead him into the unknown, all while those most in charge of his well-being struggle with their own plans and means to them fit. None of us are perfect, but undoubtedly, some are more imperfect that others, and it is there that we see the shine of personal development...if it occurs.

In my waking mind, these uncanny and oft times confusing feelings towards my sense of identity eventually led me towards the desire for understanding, for personal enlightenment, for healing. While as I write this, I PROMISE you, I am nowhere near the place I would like to emotionally be. But even still, by writing this story (hopefully the first of many), it will give you something to think about when it comes to the spiritual footprint that we all leave on each other in some manner, and most importantly, what we learn and decide about ourselves in quiet moments. I truly hope you enjoy this book, and hope that you, too, are working to align your "parts".

- S.G.