Beowulf, as Written by Dr. Seuss

Every Dane down in Denmark liked parties a lot,

But Grendel, who lived just south of Denmark, did not.

Grendel hated partying! Feasting and booze!

Now, as to why, well, we still have no clues.

It could be it woke him from his hundred year sleep,

It could be, perhaps, that his wounds were too deep.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

- Author's note: The next stanza was written in its entirety by Overly Sarcastic Productions on YouTube. It was just too good not to include -

But whatever the reason, his heart or his pains,

He stood there that evening just hating the Danes.

Staring out from his swamp with a sour Grendel frown,

At the warm lights of Heorot away by the town.

For he knew every Dane down in Denmark was there,

Getting so blackout drunk they forgot how to care.

"And they've hired a bard!" he muttered with spite,

"Tomorrow they'll be up the whole goddamn night!"

Then he shouted, his fists he would pound and he'd flail,

"I must find a way to stop this free flow of ale!"

For tonight, he knew, all the Danes and their king

Would party all night, and not stop for a thing.

And then! Oh the noise! Oh the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Danes, young and old, would sit down to a feast.

And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!

They would feast on wild boar, and whatever great beast,

Which is something that Grendel couldn't stand in the least!

And then, they'd do something he hated the most,

Every Dane down in Denmark, alive or a ghost,

Would stand down in Heorot, with bards still all playing,

They'd go find some monsters, and then they'd all start their slaying!

And they'd slay! And they'd slay! And they'd slay! Slay! Slay! Slay!

And the more Grendel thought of this partying shtick,

The more Grendel thought, "Why, it all makes me sick!

For three hundred years I was peacefully napping,

I need to stop this!" He said, finally snapping.

Then he got an idea!