GOLDEN

19.

Four days. It's been four very long days since Harry left for Malibu. It kills me, knowing we are only an hour apart and we can't see each other while he's away working on his album. We can't even text or call each other. I get he has to do what he has to in order to finish his album and he did something similar for his first album, but I can't help but feel saddened by the whole situation. Also, that sinking feeling in my stomach hasn't really left me these past four days. Carrie is writing it off just missing Harry but I feel as if it's more than that.

The only thing keeping me from wallowing alone in my room is the fact that school has started back up. I have been right out straight since classes started, working on essays and editing short stories our professor gave us. I feel a little overwhelmed already and I can't help but think that if Harry would have been here I would have been too busy with school to spend much time with him. 

Right now, Carrie and I are sitting on the couch in the living room, both of us with our laptops on our laps as I work on an essay and she looks for a place to live in Paris. It's late in the afternoon on a Friday and we are both still in our pajamas since neither one of us had any classes today.

"Oh! Look at this place! It's absolutely stunning," Carrie squeals, scooting closer to me so I could see her computer screen. I look over as she scrolls through all this pictures of a very modern apartment. Everything was so white with new appliances and marble flooring, large windows looking out over the city. It was gorgeous and from the looks of it, quite pricey.

"It's beautiful," I tell her honestly. It's a beautiful apartment and so Carrie. That's one of our differences, she likes the sleek modern things and I would prefer a more rustic type of place.

"I could see myself living there, waking up every morning and having coffee out on the balcony that overlooks the city."

"Does sound perfect. I could picture you there as well. You should email them, I think it's perfect." I tell her, trying to ignore the well of emotion bubbling up inside of me. One step closer to her leaving and it's killing me.

"I think I will. I'm so excited!" She scoots back to her side of the couch and works on sending out an email.

I stare blankly at my screen, staring at the words I have written but not really seeing them. Instead I let my mind wonder back to when Carrie and I were kids and spent every single day together since we became friends. We would have sleep overs every weekend and stay up all night giggling and playing games. Once we got older and in middle school, we would still have sleep overs and still stay up all night but we would stay up all night talking about boys. Once we got into high school, we would stay up all night talking shit about all the mean girls at school.

Carrie has had my back ever since I could remember, being there to fend off the bullies and the mean girls, sticking up for me whenever I needed her. She would always remind me of my self worth and tell me that I don't deserve any of those things those girls said or did to me. If it wasn't for her, I think I would have been much worse off and struggling with my anxieties even worse than I am. I've thought about going to therapy but Carrie has sort of been my therapist all these years.

Once Carrie leaves it will be the first time I will ever have to fend for myself, financially and emotionally and I know I can do it, but I still feel like I will fail somehow. How am I suppose to all of a sudden become less codependent on my best friend? It feels like this hard exterior I've been building is slowly chipping away the closer Carrie gets to leaving and I can't bear to see how much of a mess I'll be once she's gone.

My phones ringtone breaks me out of my daze and I reach for my phone on the coffee table. A part of me got my hopes up, hoping it would be Harry calling but my stomach drops when I realize it's an unknown number. I usually don't answer numbers I don't know, knowing it will either be a telemarketer or someone trying to reach me about my cars extended warranty. I answer this one though, knowing it could possible be one of the publishing houses I've applied to.