The Road to Recovery

Chapter Six

I wake up in my bed and roll over and look at the time. 3:00am. I haven’t slept through the night in weeks. The nightmares were endless. I knew that Mallory would answer her phone at this hour, so I called her.

“Hello?” She answered in a groggy voice.

 “ Hey Mally I can’t sleep… again.” I said in an exhausted tone.

 “I’m so sorry Lana. You of all people don’t deserve this. I think you would feel better if you stayed with Alex for a couple of days.” I thought about what she said. If I were the one in a coma, Alex would be there 24/7 because I was that important to him. Here I’m not going to the hospital because I don’t want to see him like that which made me the most selfish person to live. I decided that for the next week, I was going to take off work and spend that time with Alex.

 I walked into room 324. “Good morning babe. I woke up at 8:30. I read the newspaper at the kitchen table and had a bowl of cheerios. I drank a cup of orange juice and then got in the shower and then I drove here.”

 This was getting less and less difficult. For the next month I spent as much time as I could with Alex. I knew that there was a high chance that he wasn’t going to make it which the thought of it made me cry but I had to make of the time that I still had with him. The new routine was finally becoming “normal” until one night I got the phone call I was dreading.

 I rushed to the hospital and met my parents and Alex’s parents there. We knew that the time had come. We all filed into room 324 one last time. I sat by him and took his hand. I kissed him on the cheek and with tears running down my face I said, “I woke up at 2:46 due to a phone call. I got dressed quickly and grabbed my keys. I drove to the hospital and got in an

elevator. I pushed the button that said ‘ICU’. I then walked into room 324 one last time to say goodbye to the best thing that happened to me.” By now, I couldn’t stop crying. We were all in the room when Alex took his last breath.

 I thought the past couple of months were bad, but this week was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I talked to no one, ate nothing and didn’t bathe. The day came for the visitation and I had the throwing up feeling in my stomach. I wound up throwing up 3 times and then I got ready. Alex was one of those guys that wouldn’t want people to be sad or wear black to his funeral so I wore the outfit that he loved on me. It was an orange dress that came just above my knees. I had on gladiator sandals and my hair was in a side fishtail braid. Today was going to be tough.

 I drove myself for the first time since the car accident. I drove to the funeral home in silence. I jumped out of my seat when my phone started ringing. I looked at the caller I.D and saw that it was Mallory. I pulled over to talk to her.

 “Hey Mally.” I said in a monotone

 “How are you doing?” She asked with a hint of concern.

 “Not so well. I’m going to my husbands funeral who happened to be my best friend no offense. I haven’t talked to anyone for weeks until now and I’m living in a big, empty house.” I started crying, again.

 “Honey just take a couple of deep breaths. I’m not even gonna try to pretend that I know how you’re feeling. I wish I could comfort you in the way you need to be comforted. Just know that he is in a better place and he’ll get to meet his baby girl.” She said in a comforting way.

 I started driving again. I pulled into the parking lot. I didn’t want to go into the funeral home. When I walked in there, everyone gave me a sad look. I didn’t want people feeling pity for me. I would be fine on my own but it would take time.

 “Good morning Mrs. Higgins.” The gentleman greeted me. I nonchalantly glanced at him and walked in. I was met with a white rusted casket opened with the body if Alex laying peacefully in it. I walk up to it and weep over it. I wish I could just go back to the day when he suggested going to the beach. I would’ve suggested staying home and watching a movie. There would be no cars involved so there wouldn’t have been a car accident. I run to the bathroom and throw up 2 more times.

 I came back to the room with Alex and sat there. I couldn’t move. Just seeing him lifeless made me lifeless because he was my other half. When I hear voices, I slowly get up to greet them. They looked at me with sadness and pity. This was going to be 3 very long hours.

 By the time the visitation is over, I feel malnourished. I hadn’t eaten all day because there was so many people. I stopped at Dairy Queen to get some food before heading home. When I got to my house, I was drained emotionally and physically. I had to wake up and do the same thing only this time will be the last time that I ever see his body again. This made me burst out in tears again. You would think that by now I would have no tears left to cry but I still do.

 I woke up around 7:30 to get ready. I picked out my outfit for today; The outfit I wore on our first date. It was a turquoise blouse with a gray sweater and white skirt. I turned Pandora on and a song came on that was unfamiliar.

 “Only half a blue sky. Kinda there, but not quite. I’m walking around with just one shoe. I’m half a heart without you.”

 I lost it in the shower. I was hysterically crying. I sat there and let the water pour onto me. That’s exactly what I was. I was half a heart without Alex. No one could replace the other half.

 I finally got out and got dressed. I curled my hair how Alex liked it. I grabbed my keys and headed out the door to say goodbye to my husband, best friend and prince. When I got there the same man greeted me only this time when he looked at me, I started crying. He hugged me and told me that if I needed to talk to someone before the funeral, I should find him.

 I made my way into the room that held Alex. I sat in the front right by Alex. The service started. It was beautiful. That’s exactly how Alex would’ve wanted everything. Before the service ended, I decided that I should speak. I slowly walked up to the podium. I took a deep breath and began speaking.

 “As you all know, Alex was my husband. Our love was like a fairytale.” My voice started to shake. “We never fought and we were inseparable. When we found out that I was pregnant, we couldn’t have been more happy. That child would be a sign of our love.” By now the tears were flowing and it was getting harder to talk. “If you knew Alex, you knew that he would do anything to make your mood happier. He would help you when you needed it. He loved everyone like a baby loves its parents. Alex was a special guy and he will never be forgotten.” Now I was full out sobbing.

 My parents came up to the front to say one last goodbye to Alex. I kissed him one last time before they closed the casket. That was the last time I saw Alex. We went to the cemetery and had a short ceremony. The casket was lowered into the ground and that’s when the realization sunk in. He was never coming back. I would never grow old with him. I would never get to have kids with him. I would never travel the world with him.