The Upside of Falling Back To You

chapter forty five | this is goodbye

I SAW THAT look on his face before. The complete and utter horror that spread on his face when he grabbed me, the small moments where Ronan looked like he was going to take on after his father. He had that same look on his face that night after prom, and even if it was for a split second, I remembered it.

And just like that night, he let go of me just as fast as when he grabbed me. And Ronan looked like he was going to apologize, but maybe because we were in the middle of an argument, no other words left his mouth.

I don't know why I didn't leave right when he let go of me. Maybe it was because the rush of all the emotions I felt on the night came back to me. Instead, I leaned against the counter, tears filling my eyes as I tried to find the words.

"You know what hurt the most about that night?" I asked Ronan. "You know why that night is so painful for me to think about. Honestly, it probably doesn't mean a whole lot compared to what so many other people have been through, hell, even I've been through, but it just hurt so much."

I closed my eyes and tried to stop the tears from falling. "You didn't even give us a chance, Ronan," I croaked out. "You didn't even want to try to see if we lasted. You know, I would've been fine if a month into the semester we realized we couldn't keep this up, but you didn't even want to give it a go."

Ronan tried to start to say something, but his words got caught up in his throat. He looked like he was on the verge of breaking down. But I waited. I waited for his explanation.

"I thought about all the shit I did in high school, Asteria. I thought that - no, Asteria, I knew I was going to end up doing something that would hurt you. And I know that if I did something, I had to be the one to tell you. And I couldn't imagine hurting you like that, I didn't want to end up hurting you because I couldn't keep myself together."

I pursed my lips. God, I really didn't want to cry. "You didn't believe in yourself? You didn't think you'd manage? Because I believed in you. I knew you were going to go and you were going to come back to me with your heart still belonging to me."

I sniffed, wiped my eyes, and continued. "It hurt me that you... you couldn't see us together. You tried to plan our future and you just saw us break up, you saw us drift apart. But then there was me, through all four years of high school, every time I decided to end things, you came back to me and you begged for us to get back together. And I agreed every time because I wanted that, too. I wanted us to have a future together. I pictured you coming back home to me or I move to BC with you or maybe even we live in a different city entirely. I pictured us sharing a home together, I pictured marriage and kids and I wanted you to sing love songs to me instead of having you write to me in a million songs addressed to me, without anyone knowing they're all for me."

I looked around the apartment. Yes, this was my dream. Yes, living with him was part of my dream. But that was my dream eight years ago, that was my dream back when I last believed in us.

"You should be happy, Ronan. Us breaking up - this is what you wanted. I don't get why you're mad."

"I-" Ronan ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know what I was thinking, Asteria. I wish I could've taken back everything I said. I wish those words didn't leave my mouth."

"Honestly I think it was good you did," I said in barely a whisper. Ronan looked at me, shocked that I could even say that.

I realize I was hunching down on the table, so I straightened myself up. "Think about it, Ronan. It doesn't matter what we told ourselves - we were terrible for each other. We were constantly fighting and constantly breaking up and getting back together..." There's a sour taste in my mouth. "We kept hurting ourselves like that. Knowing us, if we didn't break up then, as much as I hoped for a future together, maybe we'd still be going on and off again until even now."

I can't believe I did an entire 180 in the span of minutes.

"And why are you complaining? You're the one that became everything and more since we broke up. You realize if we didn't break up like that, you would've never written that song. You would've never blown up the way you did."

"You think that mattered to me? I know I said I wouldn't have traded this life for anything in the world, but I would've traded anything for you, Asteria."

I would've traded anything for you. The words repeat in my head.

"Well too bad," I say bitterly. "Because it doesn't matter if you have feelings for me and-" I can't believe I was going to admit it. "-I have feelings for you. Because we can't do this, Ronan. We can't be together. Because if university was our biggest issue back then, what would happen now? What would happen when I'm here in Berkeley and you're in a different city every night? Wouldn't the guilt eat at you then? Or were those only your concerns when you're trying to break my perfect picture of us?"

I don't even know why I'm going on this ramble as I continue. "And don't forget the media, the paparazzi. I can barely stand outside of the building without feeling like I'm being watched. People know we're associated with each other, they know we're friends, and it's felt like there has constantly been a camera following me since that day in the cabin. I still don't know why I did that. But if we did get together, how are we supposed to function with cameras following our every move? They'd just tear us apart more, wouldn't they?"

"We won't know until-"

"No, Ronan, don't you get it? We don't function as a couple. We can't even talk about it. Don't you see that we're much better as friends? We haven't seen each other in seven years yet we managed to be friends for six months, Ronan. We haven't had our issues. And I knew what you felt about me. We can stay friends and we'll be okay."

"That's because you've been ignoring it since I got here, Asteria," Ronan yelled back at me. "You've been ignoring this topic, and I can see why. I don't know why you think we can go back to being friends after this, because I-" He stopped, and licked his lips. These next words were ones he didn't want to say. "I can't do this anymore. I can't just be your friend anymore."

He looked me in the eye. "Every time I look at you I want to kiss you, Asteria. I want to hold you in my arms. And I know that we're only in this position because of me, I'm sorry, I really am and I know you'll never forgive me. But Asteria, I can't pretend like I don't want you back. And I know where you stand. I know you love me but now you don't think we'll work out."

"So we're back where we started." I pushed my hair. "Back to that night."

"I guess we are."

"So is this it?" I asked him. "Is this the end? Clearly we can't move forward. We're not going to date, we're not going to be friends. Is this goodbye?"

I hated hearing his next words, but I think I needed to.

"I guess so."

☙

a/n for obvious reasons, this isn't actually goodbye to this book

the reason why i asked if you remembered the names of ronan's albums is because the last four chapters were named after them. they were referenced throughout the book:

debut - this is goodbye (mentioned in chapter 21)
second - summer long (chapter 11)
third - we broke up under a streetlight in the rain (chapter 38)
fourth - chaos theory (chapter 11)

i didn't actually expect anyone to remember but if anything sounded familiar, there you have it.

okay, so i asked it like 20 chapters ago and after these events i'm going to ask again:

do you think asteria and ronan will end up together?

and

do you still want them to be together?