i'm happier than ever,
happy and healthy, and
doing better than i ever
was (evident in chapter two)
y'all mean so much to me
and i'm really thankful for you
@shea-lyn 2021
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//trigger warning "mentions of p*rn, a panic disorder, dissociation, and childhood trauma"//
WOW MY EXIT was dramatic. OKAY so i may have gotten a few things wrong at the time of my great escape from wattpad...oops. at the time, i was ✨panicking✨. my words online were coming out like vomit, i was not thinking straight. and yeah, now i want to make a few things clear.
i DO NOT have depersonalization and derealization disorder. when i shared that online, i had only begun going to therapy. after a few sessions, my therapist, heather, and i had came to the logical conclusion of calling my issues:
A PANIC DISORDER RELATING TO CHILDHOOD TRAUMA.
so basically i have been unknowingly dissociating for a good portion of my life. starting from age 10 when i was exposed to p*rn*graphy by a few boys in my class. once i was aware that i was "numbing out", i would panic more and go further down the depersonalization scale. but everything stems from my trauma.
ever since my initial exposure to p*rn*graphy, i had been plaugued with feelings of unbearable guilt. over the smallest things, i would be completely overwhelmed. my breathing became quick and shallow, my chest tightened, i lost feeling in my legs, arms, face, my head got "foggy" and the palms of my hands grew sweaty and gross.
( i know now, that the reasons my body reacted the way it did was because i wasn't getting enough oxygen. )
anyways
when i would experience flashbacks those same symptoms would occur. i would feel intense guilt, and my body would freeze up.
HEATHER'S DIAGRAM THAT EXPLAINS MY CYCLE OF TRAUMA:
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_______
DEFINITION OF DEPERSONALIZING:
( a state in which one's thoughts and feelings seem unreal or not to belong to oneself, or in which one loses all sense of identity. ) ______
so when i would have a traumatic flashback, i would either
a) go straight to depersonalizing, without being aware what i was doing
b) experience extreme and paralyzing anxiety, which shortly leads to panic, which then ends at depersonalization.
once she showed me that, my life started to get better. when i could understand my trauma, i could learn how to take control over it. and limit the pain.
// if you are experiencing depersonalization/derealization/dissociation, GET PROFESSIONAL HELP ASAP. you do not deserve to live that way any longer. and there is a cure. talk therapy is the biggest one for d&d disorder. & there are online therapists too, you don't have to go in person like i did.
you could also use kids help phone (it's not just for children) depending on where you live, but I've found it to be very beneficial if you're experiencing a panic attack or something like that. they help ground you, and yeah it's wonderful. //
SO ANYWAYS IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW, I'M SMART NOW AND I KNOW STUFF ABOUT PSYCHOLOGY AND TRAUMA.
i've gotten rid of the guilt, it doesn't attack mw anymore. but i didn't do any of this alone.
WHO I HAD:
—GOD MORE THAN ANYONE (for real, He literally CARRIED me through all the rough times. love Him so much and wouldn't be anywhere without Him)
—MY CHURCH FRIENDS •dayley •ryan •cass •elijah •matthew •tiana •evie •cameron •jack •jada •kenton •alvin •mandy •lynn +all the people i've shared my story with
it took a village for me to get better and i'm very blessed to have all of you.
—THE BIBLE VERSES THAT HAVE INSPIRED ME TO LIVE FOR GOD MORE:
jeremiah 29:11 "for i know that plans i have for you" says the lord. "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and a future"
john 12:46 "i have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness"
john 14:27 "peace i leave with you; my peace i give to you. i do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"
corinthians 4:9 "persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed"
off topic. the bible app really helped me these few months. they have a simple + easy way to do devotions. search up a keyword like "depression, anxiety, fear, insecurity, loneliness etc" and it'll come up with hundreds of lil plans for you to do.
for the devotion here are the steps: -you read a small write up on the topic you searched -read the bible verses it gives you. (depends on the plan, usually gives you 1 or 2 verses) -and boom
back to my order of thanks
—AND FOR ALL OF YOU AMAZING PEOPLE HERE ON WATTPAD.
when i came back from my mental health break, you girls, gays, theys, and everything in between, made me feel like it all was a little more worthwhile. i'm so so so thankful for you all & i love you so much
i don't know how long i'm staying on here or any of that. i just wanted to let everyone know how i'm doing and talk to my dear friends.
