The Butterfly Effect

Chapter 16

Saturday

When Sean rotated his head to the left, he caught Jessica's eyes steady on him. They were sitting on a bench at Marquand Park on a chilly Saturday afternoon. The awkwardness had been so tense since they arrived there around ten minutes ago. The question of 'what did the kiss mean?' had been slid out of Jessica's mouth and sitting here with her now suddenly made him not ready to talk about it.

"I don't know," Sean mumbled. "But... I shouldn't have kissed you. It was wrong."

Jessica scoffed bitterly, shaking her head. "The person you chased after that day, it was your girlfriend, wasn't it?" she asked straight to the point.

Checkmate. There was no way to get out of this conversation anymore. "Yes."

"Did she see us?"

"Yes," he sighed. "We broke up."

Taking a deep breath, Jessica looked straight off into the distance. "I'm sorry... So what now, you know, for us?"

"I don't know."

"Can I ask you something?"

Sean nodded without saying anything.

"Do you still have feelings for me?"

Hearing that got him startle that he had never thought she would ask him that question. He didn't know what to say. In fact, he didn't even know the answer himself. All he knew was seeing her again after two years had brought back all of the memories of them together for three years and he had wanted to see her again after their coincidental encounter about a month ago.

"I- I don't know, maybe, yeah a little, but... I, uh..." he stammered over his complicated feelings.

Jessica lowered her head to level with his eyes. "What about her? Do you still love her?" she asked quietly.

Sean was silent for a moment. To think of it, being with Allison had been a whole new ball game compared to being with Jessica. His relationship with Allison had made him more mature and taught him to be responsible and always be kind to other people because everyone was struggling their own battle that nobody might never know. It hadn't been easy sometimes, yet he had been truly, insanely happy and enjoyed a whole new world they had together.

"There's..." Sean finally parted his mouth to talk. "There's just something about her I can't let go."

It must be a slap in the face for Jessica that she looked away, swallowing hard. "Why did you let her go, then?"

"I- I don't know, Jess!" He messed up his hair, upset. "I can't— I just... I just don't understand myself! It's like my mind says 'forget her', but my heart... it's like 'love her'. But, dammit! Both just wish they had her back..."

Sean could tell it wasn't easy for Jessica to hear, but she still tried to get herself together even though she talked in a rather vibratory voice. "So, what was on your mind when you asked me to your game and kissed me?" she asked after she took a peek at her phone screen.

He took a moment of silence. "I'm sorry I kissed you. I, uh... I wanted us to be friends, but it turns out talking to you again wasn't easy despite the fact we broke up more than two years ago, because for a moment there, we... did love each other, right?"

A breeze swished to fill in a quiet space between them. The tree branches around them swayed as its yellowish-brown leaves twirled down to the ground. It was actually a very picturesque scene if only the atmosphere between them didn't feel this coldly tense.

"Sean," Jessica started, "if all this had happened two years ago before her, do you think there's a chance we could've been together now?"

Sean wrinkled his eyebrows. "I don't know, I mean, it would be a totally different situation."