Sinbound: Variants

Part 27

We hit the ground hard. It's raining, making the earth beneath us soggy and cold. My knees sink into the soft dirt and grass sticks to my legs as I crawl around to the side of Fleur, who's laying on her back. She's clutching her side where I stabbed her. Soon, I'm joined by Loki and Mobius. Mobius closes the portal by closing the tempad. 

I sob, looking into my own face as it struggles to stay alive and catch a breath. "Fleur, I'm sorry." I say, my voice weak and cracking. "I don't know why you did what you did, but I'm not mad at you. I couldn't be, you were only trying to protect yourself." I sniff, feeling out of control of my tears.

I failed. This whole time I was so desperate to do the right thing, to be the hero. I wanted my sister to look up to me, I wanted Loki to be proud of me. I wanted to prove to the Avengers I wasn't just some dark magic she-devil, that I could be good. That I could be a hero. I wanted to show my mother that I listened to her, and that I was so grateful of the chance she had enlightened me of, and that I wouldn't just make another mistake.

I rest on my hands and knees, getting soaked from the rain. I let my hair get drenched, and drip on the body beneath me. "This is the end, isn't it, Fleur?" I try talking to her. A small struggle of a sound escapes her lips, and I bend down my ear closer to hear her. My anticipation is eager.

"You cannot be a hero... you've suffered to much that you became the villain instead." She says as she grips my bicep, digging her nails into my skin so hard that they almost draw blood. I lean back up to look at her. She looks so content with telling me my worst fear, then her head hits the ground limply. I hold her hand against my arm so it too doesn't fall, and cry even harder. What a bitch.

I crunch her hand in my fist, then throw it against the ground. I get up, my usual startup of what is now deemed as my villain alter-ego arising inside me. I just stand there over my variant's dead body, writhing in anger and dark magic. It's only a matter of time before I too, start feeling weak.

"Ayca?" I hear a soft voice from behind me. Loki, oh my sweet Loki. I'll miss him. "Listen to me." He says, taking my shoulders in his abnormally large hands, covering them completely, and turning me to face him. He looks deep into my evil, red eyes and sharply inhales. "You do not have to be good." He says simply.

"What?" I ask, confused as fuck. I thought I was supposed to be an Avenger, someone Tony would be proud to have his legacy carried out by. Someone that could lovingly rule Asgard alongside it's devoted king, someone that could protect their family and friends, Right?

"You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the animal of your body love what it loves."

I stand there a moment, on complete silence. Loki, the god of mischief and the biggest example of the desperation to prove oneself, is telling me that I don't have to be good.

Here I am, wanting to disappear from the world as to not destroy it over and over again, and Loki still finds a way to love me. How is that even possible when I can't even- oh. Oh.

This is about acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, the good and the ugly. The struggle that's made me who I am, and owning the trauma. Accepting that I had to do certain things that damaged my soul, thinking it was what was best in that situation. Accepting that I am still a whole person, with or without my past. Accepting the fact that I am an antichrist. Accepting the fact that I am human, too. That I can love, get angry, feel pain. Acceptance of those feelings, and knowing who I am through the veils of my broken heart.

"Loki, I-" I begin, but nothing comes out. Not a single word. I relax into him, and he pulls me into his embrace. My cheek rests against his chest, and I can hear his heartbeat. Loki, a frost giant with a damaged past, is telling me to stop trying to be someone else. I have to listen to him.

I pull away, feeling my body shake with weakness. The curse of my variant being a real part of me is catching up, and I can barely stand on my own. I slide down his body, catching myself on the ground again. My knees splash slightly in the dirty, muddy water, and I just stare blankly at the once beautiful green grass. Now, it's been ruined by the storm. I can relate.

Loki meets me on the ground, still holding onto me. His eyes are watering, and I can tell he's been dreading this moment maybe even more than I have. He tilts my chin up with the side if his curled index finger and kisses me. It's passionate and desperate, like it's the last time it will happen. Everything has a loophole, even immortality.

I break away, exhaling sharply with a wrenching sob that comes from deep in my stomach. Mobius finally joins us, patting my back. "You're so strong. I believe that you are an Avenger. Fleur told me all about how you were struggling with knowing whether you're honorable enough to be a part of it. And I think you are."

"Thank you, Mobius." I say weakly. My head starts spinning, and I can only request one thing while I, too, lay down next to my variant to fade away. I know that when I wake up again, I won't be like myself. I'll be like my mother after her variant died: weak, fragile, and probably a little insane. My last moments are going to be simple.

"Loki, can you sing that one song for me?" I ask as I fall closer to the ground, my arms that were holding me giving way. He catches me and holds me in his arms on his lap, Looking down at me. He moves a piece of my hair out of my face.

"As you wish." He says, then begins singing in Asgardian. I love his voice, its melodic and deep. It calms me, taking away everything else in the world around me. I close my eyes, feeling the weight of my soul being crushed and shrunk, now missing it's other half. I accept that I failed, and that I'll no longer be able to use my powers. I understand my mother so much more now, and what she truly went through. I know she would be proud of me either way.

"When she sings, she sings 'come home'. When she sings, she sings..." Loki chants the tune of the song gently, his voice breaking as he feels me relax into a deep resting place that will change who I am when I awake. "... come home, Ayca."

Let the storm wash me away, I think to myself. But, like anything else in this long-lasting nightmare, I don't get washed away. A blot of lightening frightens me, startling me awake. My energy spikes, and I flip out of Loki's arms and onto the ground. I immediately look up at Fleur, knowing, finally, what I have to do.