Second Choice

Chapter 14

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER CONTAINS ABUSE AND OTHER POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING CONTENT 

For once it finally felt like life was on track. November was going great, mum was being (suprisingly) nice and jordan seemed to be leaving me alone. He seemed in a more pissed off mood lately so I did my best to avoid him. A few days I realised why mum was so happy, she was going away with aunty to get away from us for the weeked, makes sense. a whole weekend to myself sounded beautiful, with the exception of jordan and may. I could re arrange my letters, for the sake of jesus my letters!

They are the most precious thing to me.

When I first started having suicidal thoughts I thought to write letters, I was in love with writing at the time, still am but still. Every day for the past 6 years before I went to bed I wrote to every one I knew adding on to the different letters with different dates. You could say it was a diary of sorts for me because I wrote to my future self as well, trying to stay positive and stating what I did to overcome all those hardships. It was a tough thing to write and relive but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right(?).

I had them hidden in places no one would ever find them, only I knew and in case of emergencies, I had a spare key with merry. She never had to use it before but sometimes you will never know. I also had another spare key just in case I had kids and they wanted to know what life was like for me before I died (that is if I died). The world is a mysterious place that works in wonderous ways, you will never know.

Checking myself out in the mirror I couldn't help but wonder what if I was better? Would my mum love me? Would jordan treat me with respect? Would azalia still have done that> will people actually care? The scars that littered my body from endless endevours of abuse and self harm seemed to form enchanting patterns. It was ok, they werent too bad, given that most of which are easily hideable through clothing items, no one will ever know.

***

Later that evening mum and aunt left without saying goodbye to be. I only received a text saying to "be good". As if I wasn't the best behaved out of the children. Throughout the evening, (when I had headed downstairs) jordan kept staring at me with some weird look. It was kind of, psychotic? In a way it was really creepy but what else to expect from Jordan.

"Ok kids im going to sleep, wake me if theres a fire or anything" merry said before leaving the living room. She really didn't care. Well, at least she was happy with her dirty little secret. It wasn't mine to tell and she didn't know I knew. Jordan stood up, abruptly. I gave him a puzzled look, he didn't glance back at me once so of course I turned my attention to the tv.

I could hear rustling in the kitchen but of course, I paed no attention. Sighing, I flicked through the news. For once it was pretty interesting. The biggest mafia in america were at it again. Whats surprising is that they harm the bad guys but they aint exactly good guys themselves. They had so much power and yet no once knew their true mafia name, aint no body a snitch to the mafia. That's like sighing a death warrant. Hmmm tempting.

TRIGGER WARNING- ABUSE MENTIONED AHEAD

I didn't hear the rustling stop, I didn't hear the footsteps behind me. I did sense his presence though. Goosebumps raced down my back, something was not right. He was breathing heavily, almost chuckling, I peeled my eyes away from the ty and looked at him, Jordan was higher that a mothertrucking kite. His eyes were red and blood shot, so I couldn't help but cringe. I snuggled further into my massive duvet that was protecting me from the cold and let aout a huge gast when I saw what was behind him.

A knife.

He wouldn't

He couldn't.

"I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory, is this where it gets me? On my couch, about a foot away from me"" I muttered. Stupid hamilton coming into my mind when I might be about to die.

I didn't want to die yet. I couldn't, what about having kids, graduating? Livng lifem seeing the world? Wait no. Im fine, if im gone, that means one less mistake in the wourld, I couldn't act like I wanted to die, he might not kll me that way, I had to act in reverse.

So of course, I acted to be scared.

"Ahh, look at you" he started, sounding surprisingly sober. "finally I have a chance to harm you, maybe even rid you forever. That stupid girl, may, she sleeps for the dead. Theres no one to help you now"

He traced the knife across my face and I let out an involuntary shudder. This was gonna take time. He yanked off my blanket making me cry out from the lack of heat.

"Zip it you waste of oxygen" he sneered in disgust. "I love how youre not wearing too much. Easier to kill when theres less in the way. Slowly, he trailed the knife down mmy body.

"you know what else I love, How your not fighting this because im right at your wrong" he laughed. "look at these scars, absolutely disgusting, let me just add another one,"

The knife was teasing me. It was on my stomach pushing slowly. Not hard enough to break skin yet, but hard enough to feel the impending pain. As he continued to add more pressire, the door bell rang signalling someones entry. Then it was opened and familiar laughter rung out/

It was the goons.

"shut up fools mays asleeep" jordan said in a passive aggressive tone, both instantly looked down murmurring "sorry boss" hmm interesting. Talk about being his to subdue.

"Each of you" he ordered. "grab an arm and a leg, I want her to be at my mercy when I carve her"

"um boss?" one of the goons said "shouldnt we do it in the garden or somewhere where we can hide the bloodstains" he said looking around. The boy had a fair point, the room was msotly white. Red blood would stick out like a sore thumb. Rolling his eyes he dragged me out to the garden. There each goon held onto me while he carved things into my arms and thighs. Thank goodness it was winter, these would definitely leave a mark. My thought process in pain is defiinitely weird.

Mentally I was fine, but physically – oh boy - I was dying. It hurt so bad. Tears were streaming down my face and srtill I did not make a sound. Only when he brought ou the salt water did I start begging for no more. He was sick, twisted and evil.

Merciless.

That's what he was. And what he might always be. Just before I blacked out I vowed that I was going to end It all, and that he was forgiven. Time to pray to hell that heaven lets me in.

Taking one last breath I encountered unconsciousness, a familiar friend.