Jamais vu

And this grave i dedicate to myself , who i will mourn till my dying days

They were practicing attack on Bangtan for the first time in a while .
Jimin felt stilted and awkward but the boys were goofing off as hard as they could , this song was after all their funnest song notoriously .

Namjoon thought they were coming back together enough to try it out , jimin felt jarringly awkward and posed .
RM got up to the front and started dancing as hard as he could , the boys stomachs aching with his energy . Then suga started twerking and finally taheyung busted out with a
" nico nico niii."
And they died .
And somehow, by some will of  god,  jimin was laughing aswell .
Actually he wasn't just laughing , his stomach hurt and his eyes were tearing up .
He didn't realise the song had ended and he didn't realise they were staring at him with their mouths open because .
Jimin was laughing .
For the first time in months he was laughing
" oh my god ," he wheezed
" jimin ?" Yoongi smiled

But then jimin caught sight of himself . He was laughing . He could feel something . It was small but it was something .

Then it crashed on him .
Everything. 
" oh.. oh my god ."
" what is it ."

And he was crying . It was crazy but he was sobbing and sobbing untill he couldn't breathe and somehow they were all hugging him and at first it was because he felt something but then it was everything all at once - months and months and months coming out all together .
He screamed against the cold floor , guttural and raw screaming
And he was devestated he was mourning over his virginity being stolen like that . He was mourning over his old life , over the glimpse of happiness that used to be his everyday . Over everything he lost . Over the younger jimin that died in that bathroom . That kept dying a thousand times in his fractured mind .
He felt soothing touches but nothing could stop the emotions ripping out of him, leaving his throat bleeding as he screamed and screamed like he had never done in this life or the last .forehead to the ground and his fists being grabbed by a hyung
He screamed now . Screamed for the thousand deaths he died . Screamed for the boy who was quieter than death in that toilet .
And they let him . They let him scream and sob and shred his vocal chords apart . That was his right .
But at the same time as the waves crashed down his heart was filled with something for once and it was better .
"No,no" he sobbed "no ..." he turned his face up from the ground " NO "
It was better then nothing .

It was sharper . It was overwhelming .

" jungkook " He said and jungkook was sobbing and smiling aswell
He grabbed the younger boy hugging him as tight as he could
" hyuuung," the younger boy whined in his sob and it dawned on jimin just how young he really was , his arms desperately tightening around the older .
The old jimin was gone . Jimin was always going to be different now . But at least he felt alive . At least he felt .

" it just happened and he was on me and It Hurt so much .. hurt so bad I couldn't " jimin hiccuped in the middle of his sobbing " I couldn't breathe and I couldn't scream." And jungkooks body racked against his own and they were both grabbing each other as tight as they could and crying and crying .
And taehyung and the rest stood on the side , his eyes welling up .

Because there was hope .

There was pain but there was hope .

Jimin and jungkook were inseparable from then on . Jungkook made sure he took his pills. Jungkook made sure he got out of bed when the weight of the world was on his chest .
And slowly . Bit by bit . More emotions came back .
Humiliation came first
Burning burning burning humiliation
Infectious burning in his veins self hating humiliation they knew this they saw him his mother knew his sister knew everyone in the company knew , they were imagining it every time they saw him
Humiliation was the worst  - the type you feel like you can't live with the type that makes you actually  try running away untill locks get put on doors and sharp objects are gone .

Anger was second
At the man
At the security

At everyone and everything with fists and screaming and pushing

At himself with metal blades and lighters and his arms being restrained whilst he screamed in the toilet , and jungkook crying and begging him with everything he had on his knees to stop .

But sadness , sadness was constant .
Sadness was consistent . It was calming , exhausting , aching  . it was gentle tears wiped away with soft fingers and slow shuddering sighs . It was pinky promises made in the dark . It was rain pounding down on him and it was cooling, washing away his rage and fire into mellow deep

Pain
Every time imaginable

Happiness .the small type seemed to be the ones he cherished the most
. in a message , in hands brushing through his hair . The shaking laughing of tired bodies in the studio , the euphoria after finishing a song , restaurant dates and winning a video game

Calm . After a nightmare , cuddling against a hard chest . Zen . Serenity .

Anxiety

Paranoia . Because some men just made jimin breathe too quickly and he never went to the toilet alone or outside and he never stayed for long and really anyone could hurt him. And he even peed himself once and that out him right back at humiliation

Trust .
Touch .

It all came . Sometimes it was debilitating . Sometimes it seemed worse . Scary . But it was worth it for the few smiles he could feel .
It was even more worth it when he saw yoongi looking at him with his eyes sparkling everytime he managed to curve his lips up.

It was worth it .
It hurt like fucking hell but for some reason , for some fucking reason jimin was fighting back .
Jimin was trying .
Sometimes it didn't seem like it . Some days he was a million miles away from that teen kid with big dreams and the cutest eye smile anyone had seen .
But on god he was trying . He was fighting for that kid . Jimin would never be that innocent goofy boy again but he would be damned if he didn't fight for him.
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There's more to come I just dk if it's too scandalous tbh 😭