When the flowers grow

letter #17

I get into my car taking a deep breath, I hold the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles turn white.

I haven't even started the car but I'm so nervous, I know why but I just want to ignore the pit in my stomach that wants to be brought to the surface.

I hear the door open and close next to me as someone climbs in and buckles themselves up next to me, "where are we going?", summers voice so happily questions.

"to the bench under the oak tree", I choke out looking over to her as she lets out a worried expression.

"oh I didn't know we were gonna do this today", her expression so sad and pained.

"I always feel as if I'm underwater and can't quite reach the surface or get a moment my lungs don't get enough air and I have to gasp my way to get to the surface. I have a dizzy feeling like my eyes want to see nothing but complete black and nothing and everything is starting to close in.", I start stoping and taking a deep breath looking out before starting the car and driving down my street.

"I know, you need to do somethings for you, and that is letting go of somethings holding me and you back", she adds to my own thinking.

"yeah...", my voice staying quite and low.

I don't want to do this and I know she knows it too.

I feel summer reach over and place her hand on mine, the warmth and feeling you can only get from a nice summer day follows her touch, I feel comforted and peaceful in the moment.

After a long ride we finally reach the entrance and I turn the car off not getting out and just taking a moment to breath as the tears roll out and away from my eyes.

"we have to go!", summer says getting very cheery.

"I know", I add looking at her face for what may be the last few moments, memorizing everything, the faint lines, smile to last a lifetime, her beautiful teeth, her red fiery hair, her. scar on her face, everything.

"I just need a moment", and I see her agree as she waits for me to be ready for this next thing.

I finally get out of the car and walk through the gate gripping her hand as she looks over at me before she goes completely still as we approach the bench and tree.

this isn't going to be easy.

I seat down staring off into the distance trying to think of all the right things to say...

"He took it all", I stared looking over with tears eyes at summer, I could read her face like a book she felt the pain I had in my heart and I couldn't look at her anymore I turned my attention to my hands as I played with my fingers.

I feel the feeling like I'm struggling to breath again waiting to star gasping for air under the water.

"He's like my drug, I'm hooked on him and he doesn't even know it.", I took one big deep breath and exhaled.

"He- he is my everything, my first kiss, first time, first dance buddy", she giggled next to me and I felt her smile brightly as she reached over to hold my hand and I was thrown off, I couldn't feel the warmth of her touch, I-I I can't even feel her.

"He was the first person I held hands with, my first really friend, any and everything you could think of for a first he was", I continued.

I was filled with an overwhelming sadness, summer was gone and I was just at a bench under an oak tree talking to her grave stone, one of my best friends... gone.

I looked over at her, "I miss you", I whispered.

"I know, I miss you deeply too", this it is her warmth like summer living up to her name once more.