I yawned as I walked out of the classroom, dodging lingering classmates who were complaining about how hard the test we just took was. They weren't wrong, it was difficult, but I'd rather go sulk about away from the crowded lecture hall. I exited the musty building as quickly as possible and checked the time. 9:15. Surprisingly, I didn't have that much school work to finish today, and I would probably procrastinate it till tonight anyways. Trevor texted me that he left early for the studio, they were going to be filming all day. I was sad that I couldn't spend the day with him because it was our anniversary, but it was such a great date last night that I could hardly be upset. We planned to meet at his place later tonight to exchange gifts, but my gift just arrived yesterday and I was so excited to give it to him, I decided to surprise him at work with it. It was one of those super big comfy snuggies with the pattern of shawarma on it. I can picture him doing something ridiculous in it, like calling himself a cannibal as he eats shawarma while wearing his shawarma snuggie. Suddenly giddy at the thought, I briskly walked to the bus stop so I could go grab the gift at my apartment.
I briefly got distracted by the elderly ginger cat that wanders my street, Ivy, as she was purring persistently outside my door for pets. After she was content, I grabbed the gift bag with the snuggie inside and headed off to the studio.
I was shaking my leg the whole bus ride, barely focusing on the Taylor Swift blasting in my headphones because I was so excited to give Trevor his gift. After the incredible night he gave me, I knew it would be pretty well impossible to top, but this snuggie would hopefully be a close second. I could picture our cute couple-y Instagram photos with him in it now.
I reached the studio and opened the large creaky wooden door. Immediately I was bombarded with bold lettering signs that said "FILMING IN PROGRESS". Luckily I've walked into this before, or else it would have scared me with how threatening the multiple signs were. Conveniently, I had a clever spot behind a large concrete post away from all the film crew so they didn't kick me out, and it also had a decent viewing of where the scenes were usually filmed. I tip-toed over to that spot now, ducking behind tables and dodging equipment tables stealthily to avoid disrupting anything. I crouched low and put the gift bag behind me to prevent the crinkling noise of the tissue paper blowing my cover.
Past the fluorescent stage lighting was Trevor, smiling. God, he looked good today. I mean, he looked good every day, but today his hair had his curls in all the right places and he seemed to be glowing like in that one Spongebob episode where there's the helpful angler fish with a lightbulb on its head.
My smile faded when I saw why he was smiling. He was doing a scene with his co-star, Brittany, who plays his love interest Riley on the show. I sucked in a breath, trying to contain myself. Brittany was really sweet and never gave me any indication that she was interested in Trevor, and I know it was just acting and it was their job, but I couldn't help the uneasy feeling brewing in my stomach. I was too far away to hear what lines they were reciting, but before I could think to move any closer to decipher, they were kissing.
My heart dropped and I suddenly felt lightheaded. I clapped my hand over my mouth to stifle my surprised shriek. I had to grip the concrete post to stay on my feet. Trevor put his hand in her hair and I could see Brittany smile and lean in closer. I tried to repeat in my head "it's just a TV show, it's not real" over and over in my head to stop feeling so horrible about this, but it wasn't helping. I was paralyzed with jealousy. After what felt like ages, they pulled away from each other after I heard a loud male voice yell "CUT!". Brittany and Trevor stayed close to each other, laughing and playfully pushing each other. Brittany, what a whore, that's our thing. I take back every (1) nice thing I said about her.
I couldn't watch anymore. I grabbed the gift bag and ran out of there without looking back.
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I'd like to say that after the 20-minute bus ride home, I realized I was being overdramatic and got over my frustration and shock of seeing Trevor and Brittany kiss, but alas, that was not the case. Rather, for the past two hours, I have been on and off sobbing while watching Gilmore Girls and eating vegan ice cream. You know, hot girl shit. It's called sexy, look it up. A while ago I received a few texts from Trevor saying that he was home and asking when I was gonna come over. I ignored them. Again, rationally I knew it wasn't his fault and this was my own struggle of abandonment reflecting onto our fairly recent commitment, but it was still a process I had to work through alone. I still felt guilty ignoring him when he didn't even know what he did wrong, so eventually, I went to pick up my phone to call him. But as I went to dial, I heard a panicked knock at the door. I sighed and lifted myself off the couch. That was definitely Trevor.
I swung open the door to see him breeze past me.
"What's the deal yo?" he burst, panting like he just ran a marathon. "I texted you like twenty times, its supposed to be our anniversary gift exchanging time babe and it's already 9:30 and I know you like to be in bed by ten so-"
"I'm sorry," I interjected calmly, mustering every bit of patience in my body to have this conversation. Time to do some healthy relationship confrontation. Woo hoo. "I came to set earlier with your gift but," I took a deep breath. "I saw you kissing Brittany so I freaked out and left."
He raised one eyebrow in confusion. "Are you kidding me right now?"
"I know that it is just acting and it is just a job and you have no feelings for her, but seeing it was still really hard for me to process. I just needed some alone time to sort things out, I am really sorry I didn't mean to ruin our date night."
Trevor looked seriously flabbergasted now. "Okay, I am sorry you had to see that but babe like you said it means nothing, it's just a job you can't be so sensitive about it."
That felt like a punch in the gut. "Sensitive? I can't control my initial feelings about this, Trev, no matter how unwarranted they are. Can I please just have this one night alone to think and move past it?"
"What is there to move past?" he was shouting now with arms raised and I flinched, taking a step back. I've never seen him so angry. "It's a damn job, nothing more, why are you making this such a big deal?"
I kept my voice low to counteract his aggressive yelling. "It hurt to see you be so intimate with Brittany the way you are with me, even if it isn't real with her. All I am asking is for you to respect my wishes and that we have some time alone tonight."
He scoffed, shaking his head. "You're being ridiculous, maybe when you're having your "alone time" you can figure out how to be a more caring girlfriend." He started to walk towards the door, but that is when I lost it.
"MORE CARING? More caring? All I DO is care for you! I have been nothing but supportive to you for these past 6 months even though you are constantly at work-"
"YOU are constantly at school!"
"But I still make time to plan dates and cook you dinner and help you run lines, and I work my ass of at school while your job is getting to make out with other girls!" I shot back.
"You know what? I am done with this. How about we extend this "Alone time" huh? I want a break."
"Fine." I snapped, and with one more hateful glare at him, he stormed out the door.
The full weight of our argument didn't hit until the frustration wore off at night as I tried to sleep, and the loneliness hit. It wasn't an actual breakup, at least I don't think, but that didn't stop me from tossing and turning all night on what I could have done or said differently to prevent this.
