Don't read this shit. It's just a waste of time.
This is frustrating. I'm tired. Tired of getting it all blamed on me. Tired of trying to hide. Trying to be positive. Trying to stop feeling worthless. I'm insecure. About myself. I always get jealous. Over minute little things. I always want to be someone's first priority. Which can't always happen. I always want to comfort people and help them to their way to happiness. I've failed to comfort my friends who are not happy. I've failed to make them happy. They always try to make me happy. But what about me? I can't do anything to myself. I'm too much of a coward to even prick myself with a pin, let alone die. Why am I like this? My parents have very high expectations for me, which I believe I can fulfill, but why am I struggling to? I'm not fair, not tall, I don't have a sweet voice, I can't dance, I can't cook, I don't have any talents except reading. I write fanfictions here too, but my random books get a few more views than my fanfic. I have a really less following. Most of them are my friends. What am I fit for? I've lost my motivation, my will. I used to love writing fanfictions in my notes, but now, I don't even want to. I've lost my creativity. They say that Pisces are really creative people. But I guess I am an exception to it. I used to like playing shooting games like Free Fire and PUBG but now they seem boring. My friends, all of which are online friends, are worried about me. But look at me, a coward. Scared. I'm so stupid and dumb that even when my ex insulted me, I still talked to him, forgave him. I forgave my enemies. I betrayed mom and dad. I lied about not talking to boys. I didn't have that much knowledge at that time. The guilt is overwhelming. I was always the girl who was ignored in class and talked to whenever someone needed help. My real life friends, even childhood ones, remember my enemies birthdays and throw birthday parties for them. But not me. I was always there for them, but they never cared. I finally found true friends, but i have to hide them from my family. I still cant keep anyone happy. I want to be free. Of this guilt. I know I did many wrongdoings but I want to fix them. I wanna grow. I want to leave my country and live a life of my own, where i can provide every single thing for my loved ones. I'm sorry about this rant tho.
To the one who read this,
-_-
I told ya not to didn't I?
Well, thank you anyways.
You are a beautiful person from the heart.
I love you. ❤
