Touch

Chocolate.

When they returned to their hotel room that night, JJ was feeling a lot better. She wasn't going to let Henry Charles get to her, she couldn't. She had to appear strong in front of her team, even though she wasn't. It was the way their team handled stressful situations: put the emotions away until you can successfully get them out again. Only this time, JJ decided, she would try not to to get them out at all. Her job had consumed most of her time lately: she didn't spend as much time with anyone as she did with the team. And they couldn't just stop. Murderers, kidnappers and rapists would always be out there, and it was their task to stop them.

As they parked their cars in the underground parking lot, JJ realised she was in desperate need for some chocolate. Unfortunately, she didn't have any.

"Uhm, guys, there's something I have to buy, I'll be right back."

She didn't wait for their responses, but turned around instantly. She knew they were worried about her: they all knew that if they had turned up only a couple of minutes later, things would've been very different: then JJ would be in the hospital now, possible taking a pregnancy test, or whatever they did after rapes ... she wouldn't know, she's never actually been in the hospital for that.

Caught up in her own thoughts, she didn't hear the footsteps hurrying after her. She nearly jumped when someone laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, relax, it's only me. I'm going with you, if you don't mind. I just really need some chocolate."

JJ smiled wearily: of course, Emily would need chocolate after this case. The woman was the most fervent fan of chocolate JJ knew.

"I was going to get some too, so I guess it's true what they say. Woman are addicted to chocolate."

She tried to lighten the atmosphere a bit: she was in no mood for questions, curious looks or anything of the sort. Actually, she just wanted to go home, lie on her bed and forget all that had happened. She knew that she never could though: it had been proven to her often enough.

They walked in silence, Emily apparently catching up on JJ's mood. JJ was glad Emily didn't push. She liked Emily a lot, and if she ever wanted to talk it'd be to her, but that time was not now.

She knew she'd have time to walk one time or another: it was normal for a kidnapped agent. They would order a shrink for her, who would first be kind to her, then secretly frustrated that JJ didn't want to share. Essentially, all shrinks were the same.

And really, she didn't need a shrink. She would get over this: she'd gotten over everything else, too. Sometimes it came back to her, but she'd just push it back, and it worked fine this way. Nobody noticed, nobody knew, and everything was good, and that's what JJ wanted.

When they had bought their chocolate, they walked back to the hotel. Emily and JJ were staying in one room, another thing JJ didn't particularly like: she was sure she'd get nightmares, and she didn't want Emily to see her in that state.

Once they were inside their room, Emily could no longer hold herself: "JJ, are you okay?"

She looked at JJ with genuine concern. It was almost painful, but JJ forced herself to look back when she said: "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just going to take a shower. I smell."

Emily didn't laugh at JJ's feeble joke. She knew JJ was not okay, but she couldn't do anything about it if JJ didn't talk.

"Alright, but Hotch wants us downstairs in 20 minutes."

"Sure, see you then."

With that, JJ went into the bathroom. The door didn't have a lock, but then there was nothing to lock herself from. It was only Emily in the room....

In the room, Emily stared at the closed bathroom door, thinking. She really wanted to talk to JJ. She knew something was wrong, something other than what had happened tonight, and she wondered if it had anything to do with Reid's recent slip up with drugs. Drugs seemed to matter to her, though Emily couldn't possibly think of a reason: there was nothing about drugs in her file.

In fact, there was nothing worrying in her files at all. Emily knew, because she'd looked at everyone's files the second day she worked in the team. She wanted to know who she was dealing with, and some of Hotch's behaviour was explained by the file: one of the first things she had noticed about him was the way he sometimes looked at the younger team members: like a father, proudly watching his children.

Inside the bathroom, JJ stared at her reflection in the mirror. This face was what had attracted him in her, what he had liked so much about her. Her face, along with her hair...

She had long since decided she wasn't going to get her hair cut because he had liked it. She wouldn't let him take that part of dignity from her.

JJ couldn't shake them off anymore now, the memories of everything came back to her now. She didn't want to ... never wanted to see the images, never again. The shame, the emptiness, the loneliness, the betrayal... It was another person, someone entirely different who had experienced all that. Not her, not Jennifer Jareau.

With a sigh, she undressed and slipped under the shower.