Touch

Lost

No, no, no...JJ shook her head in an attempt to block the memories and images that now flashed before her eyes like a movie. She didn't want to see them, not ever again...

She started to violently scrub herself, scrub every inch of her, to get the memories away. The pain would force her mind to focus on something else.

She had to get clean, wipe away the scent of him, the feeling of his hands everywhere on her body, touching her, possessing her...

She couldn't do it. She was never going to get clean; he would always remain on her like a curse, making her dirty and unworthy of any other man's attention. She wanted him to go away, leave her once and for all. She was someone else, she wasn't Shelby anymore, she wasn't a victim, she'd never be a victim again. She couldn't, she'd do things wrong again....

No matter how thoroughly she scrubbed, the image of him lingered in her mind. He came into her room; a dark shadow on the light in the hallway, but he shut off the lights; no witnesses allowed for this...he walked towards her, towards her bed, and he sat down on it, the mattress squeaking slight as he did. "Hello, kitten...."

And he did things, things she never wanted to remember, things she'd try so hard to forget; why did they come back? Why couldn't he leave her alone, why did he have to destroy her life, even now? 

She had tried so hard to lock that part away, to never let anyone see. They couldn't see, no one could. She was disgusting, impure; he'd made her that way, he'd caused her so much pain she'd done everything to forget her childhood, to only remember the good parts, before he came alone....before he destroyed her life, and then Jess's.... 

She slit down against the wet wall to the ground, no energy left in her, she had no energy left to fight the memories, and she let them wash over her like a wave.

Emily was getting seriously worried now; it had been 30 minutes and there was still no sign of JJ, who was always very punctual. The others were worried, too, but they were unsure what to say. What could they say? They had all figured out that she had lost some of her innocence today, and they didn't know what to do about it; help her, comfort her, or support her silently, let her struggle by herself. 

Hotch obviously didn't want to start without JJ, so eventually he asked Emily to go upstairs and see whether everything was alright.

"Maybe she just forget the time," Reid offered, but the doubt in his voice was clearly audible. 

"Maybe, but I'll just go up now and get her," Emily said while standing up. Maybe it was her female intuition, though Emily had never experienced much of it,  but she really felt something was wrong with JJ. It wasn't just a profiler's opinion anymore; it was a friend's opinion, and a good one, she hoped. 

She opened the door to their room and heard the water run; obviously, JJ was still showering.

Emily walked to the bathroom door and knocked twice before asking; "JJ, are you okay in there?"

She heard nothing but the running water, and it creeped her out. 

"JJ?"