Sweet Revenge

Chapter 20

Donald sighed as soon as he sat down.

"I heard about what happened 6 years ago from Quensly. He told me you came here with your bags but saw us in bed. Is that why you left?"

Mew nodded.

Donald didn't know what to say next. So Mew retold the story from his point of view.
"Someone saw us at school and had been keeping an eye on us taking pictures every chance they got." Donald looked up surprised.

"I got home one day and my parents were holding a letter and a bunch of pictures of us holding hands and kissing. I couldn't lie so  told them the truth. But they wouldn't listen. I tried explaining how it was hard being gay in school. How people my kind got judged for being themselves. They just didn't get it." Mew took a deep breathe as he narrated the events of that day. The day his life fell apart.

"In the letter, it was written how I ruined your family and made your wife die. How your son had to move away because of me. And how I was a desperate gay boy in love with a teacher." Mew teared up.

"Mew," Donald called softly in sympathy.

"It was too much for them. If the news was going to come out later it was going to be embarrassing for them so they didn't want anything to do with me. They threw me out with just a bag of clothes."

Mew wiped his cheeks, "I didn't know where to go and I didn't have any money so I walked here. The door wasn't locked so I came in and found my only hope in bed with someone else."

Donald went on his knees, his shoulders shaking. "I'm so sorry." He apologized. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He repeated again and again.

"It's ok phi. It's all in the past now."

Donald thought of how Mew just disappeared from the radar and how he broke down mentally. How he had to resort to therapy because he couldn't believe he lost everything at once.

He sat down after a while when his knees started going numb. "At one one point I hated you. I hated that I gave up so much to be with you yet you just up and left with no warning."

Mew shook his head softly. "I realized that day that you didn't give up anything for me but you did it for yourself and that hurt. I just happened to be in the picture and became part of your self discovery."

"I didn't know I drove you away. Foolish me."

"I'm worried about Gulf. He's been going through a lot these last few days and I don't know what might happen to him."

"I'm worried about you," Donald whispered. "He didn't have to put you through this again. Not after what I did to you."

"He has so much anger and resentment in his heart. He only had one version of the story which was his point of view. Which is understandable phi. His mother lived a pitiful life. Remember she begged us not to let him know. She asked us to pretend as if nothing was happening. That was her only condition and phi, my heart breaks for her whenever I think about her now. I was greedy back then but I'm mature now and that was not fair."

"I'm paying the price for that. I failed to make her happy and I'll never find happiness again. Quensly doesn't want me anymore and I just can't help but blame Gulf for all this mess." Donald said frustrated.

"Phi," the rebuking tone didn't pass by Donald.

"He didn't have to go this far. Now everyone is miserable because of his recklessness."

"He's a young boy and he has so much on his mind. He lost the only person that was on his side Phi you know how that feels. I do understand him."

"You don't have to though." Donald argued. In all this he believed Mew was wronged more.

"I know. I know it's silly but I just can't stop worrying about him now. I feel like I need to be there for him. He fell sick all day and had a bad fever but you didn't know. The way I left him was the way I found him the following day phi, if he had died you wouldn't have known and I'm guessing you wouldn't have cared."

"Nong,"

"Phi you are naturally a selfish human." Mew attacked with the softest voice and a gentle smile. "When you have something you want you forget about everything else and that's what I loved about you back then. Because I got all your attention. I had everything in one person. You were my teacher, my friend, my lover, my advisor and because you had all these responsibilities towards me, you forgot about your son completely. Even up to this day you forget you have a son and it hurts that he's hurting all by himself. I want to be there for him."

"And you think he'll let you?" Donald asked softly.

"He won't right?" Mew said with a sad smile.

"You can just leave everything behind and go on with your life Mew." Donald suggested.

"How can I phi?"  Mew asked, when I have already crossed the line. He finished in his head thinking about their previous night together.

"I'll keep on calling him and hopefully I'll see him before it's too late. I have a bad feeling about this phi." Always trust intuition they say.

"He'll be ok." Donald dismissed absent minded.

"See, you don't even sound worried." Mew complained.

"I'm hurting too Mew." Donald pointed out.

The mood was somber, full of regrets and up to this point they kept their voices gentle and soft but Mew was becoming frustrated in a gentle way.

"It's always about you right? Only Your feelings matter. Can't you think about him for once?"

"I'm thinking about you Nong," Donald complained.

"And I'm thinking about him." Mew responded helplessly.

"But you can't go to him Mew. You can't do that to me."

Mew opened his mouth, "that's Nong Gulf's choice to make."

"He needs time. If you give him time he'll be ok."

"So do you phi." Mew said getting up.

"Mew," Donald whined.

"He had enough time phi. He had six years but he couldn't recover the loss of his mother. What makes you think anymore time will work?" The slight anger in his voice knocked some sense into Donald.

"I'm sorry. Everything is just a mess and I really hope he is ok too."

He was not ok.

Gulf was not ok.

How could he be ok?

He had sex with a person who cheated with his father.

Just how could he be ok?

He got involved twice with a man and he was turning gay.

So how could he be ok?

He was turning into them.

So how could he be ok?

He had slept the whole day Thursday.
Friday he couldn't get in touch with his emotions. He didn't know what he was feeling. He wanted to feel something but he couldn't. When he thought of his father, his mother, Mew and his friends Chet and Atid he didn't know what to feel anymore. Was he supposed to feel sad? Guilty? Angry? Disappointed?

What was he supposed to feel?

Because he just couldn't feel anything.

He went to a drawer somewhere in his apartment and opened one that had color pencils and in there laid a razor sharpener. He picked it up and went to the bathroom. He sat in the bathtub and took off his pants.

He needed to do this. He needed to get in touch with reality. To remind himself of what was important because he seemed to have forgotten. He pushed the little blade out and guided it to his upper thigh.

With trembling hands Gulf started cutting.