The Lost Knight (Volume IV) The Lost Prince

Chapter 3: Regret & Sweat

I hate my bed. I stand and stare at it, remembering when I first saw the beautiful canopy and ridiculous amount of pillows. I had never seen that kind of opulence. Those pillows are gone. Now just three plain ones taunt me from the top of the mattress. Ever since my first visit with Trelix...a week, maybe a month ago, I've developed a nice routine that keeps my brain busy, but now torture awaits.

Today, I had a nice day. Stryder and I went for a long walk. I visited with Trelix and had a talk with Jonah. The sadness kept creeping along the back of my neck and tickling my brain stem, but I was able to keep it at bay. I'm tired now. I feel all the emotional stress taking root in the marrow of my bones and weighing me down. My support structure, my spirit, is being permanently altered by pain and loss. I'm being forcibly redesigned into a person I don't like and don't want to be.

I have to get into bed. One cleansing breath and pull the covers down. Karate chop a pillow and place it on top of the other. Throw the last one to the foot. Okay, in we go. My butt sinks deep, and my shoulders are snug and supported. I rest my knee on a pillow and pull the covers up.

I miss the pegasus nose. My shin hurts at night when the sadness drills away at the special bond Lenox and I had. He's not coming back. Jonah talked about a replacement. How can I replace my beloved boy? There was one Lenox, and there is no replacing him.

Lenox is dead. Carfron is dead. Phlox is dead. Squirrel is dead. I list them all and then the injured, always ending with Trelix. If I had never come to Ashra, none of this would have happened. If I had trained harder, I would have escaped the Salt Demons. If I wasn't such a dumbass, I wouldn't have trusted Ziras.

I wish I had a clock. I bet it's almost sunrise. Soon I will be able to get up for breakfast. I think about Ziras and how he never lied to me. He omitted a lot of information. But he might have told me more had I stayed or returned. It was my only living relative, Aunt Detti, that lied to me. I understand why he withheld information and why she told me what she did. I would do the same thing if I were in their position.

"Grutt," I grumble into my pillow. I shouldn't swear, but I hear Albina banging around in her room. I probably should just get out of bed.

I open my eyes a few hours later. The only thing that forces me to sleep is the threat of getting up. I'm not rested. I don't want to move. I have nothing to do today. I woke up before I could dream, so I didn't have a nightmare. I love when that happens. Of course, that means I've had very little sleep. I don't know how I'm still functioning.

Albina takes me through the motions of my morning ritual. I don't train anymore, so I'm on my own as soon as I'm dressed and fed. I walk out my bedroom door because Albina will stare at me until I leave. I see Vromas walking down the hall. His smile is too wide. I should smile back or greet him or something, but he walks past me before my brain and face decide on a plan.

I like the way my boots click on the stone floors. The sound bounces of the walls and is joined by new clicks of my steps. I want to change pace to see if I can make the noises catch each other, but that would be too much effort.

I like clear noises. Most of the world is muffled movement around me, just a blur I need to maneuver around. I don't know if it's because of my ear or the overwhelming numbness encasing me; maybe it's a combination of the two. Click, click, click, a sharp laugh, a woman behind the door is happy. The only sounds that make it through the thick fog of my consciousness are emotions. The happy woman's laugh, a cry, shout of excitement, I hear them all, I remember when I had emotions.

I leave the village and walk to Trelix's house. Nolain lets me in and leads me to the back porch. He's there, sitting in a rocker, watching some village children play a game in the square. He looks like a feeble old man. I don't know what to say to him.