The Lost Knight (Volume IV) The Lost Prince

Chapter 7: Reality Is Just a State of Mind

I party well into the next morning. Even though my feet are throbbing, I don't want to go to my bed. My room makes my loneliness solid and unbearable. Lenox isn't going to be there. How do I live when the one I couldn't live without is reminding me he's gone?

I go there because I don't have anywhere else to be. Albína's still downstairs. She was dancing with the same man all night. I was hoping she would introduce me, but when I went over, she shooed him away. That hurt my feelings.

I can't get out of the dress on my own. I feel guilty for pulling the ribbon on the wall, but I need help. As soon as I tug at it, a little elf named Maora enters. She often assists Albína in big projects, like putting me in this gown. She's wearing plain clothes and is awake enough for me to know that she wasn't sleeping when I rang.

"How late is it? Or is it early?" I ask.

Maora smiles at me. I forgot she doesn't speak English. I smile at her and turn around so she can unhook the many layers of dress. Out is much faster than in. I quickly wash the makeup and party smell off me. Getting that gunk off me is energizing and empowering, but it doesn't last long. I pull the nightgown over my head and flop on my pillow. I'm not tired enough to not miss the pegasus nose on my shin.

"Good night, Lenox," I say into my pillow before oblivion claims me.

I bolt upright, screaming for Carfron. I thought after the ceremony and parties, Carfron would leave me alone. Instead, he's standing at the foot of my bed.

I dreamt I was throwing his unconscious body away to die a terrible death alone in the fields of Tridews Pert. Then I woke up, screaming and sweating.

That happened.

I remember screaming.

I'm in my bed, shivering and clammy.

Carfron is staring at me.

He survived.

My heart pounds. I'm shaking as I jump out of bed.

He was incinerated and eaten by a dragon. How could he survive that? I hug him. He's cold and stiff. I recoil. He's dead.

He's looking at me expectantly, his face alight with life. His eyes are clear lavender. His pink lips are cutting a partial smile through his face. He's still in uniform, but it's clean and complete. He looks good. 

I must still be dreaming because the zombie in my room isn't scaring me. "I'm really sorry, Carfron. I don't know how to apologize or atone for what I did."

"Why did you quit?" he asks. The smile on his face suggests that he's just curious and not angry.

"We weren't going to make it. I didn't have a choice." As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know they're a lie. "Okay, I had a choice. There's always a choice. Just because I don't like the other outcome doesn't mean it wasn't an option. I chose my life over yours. I'm sure it was a survival instinct thing. Or maybe that's human justification, but that's the truth. I killed you so that I could live."

Shame surrounds me and embraces my soul. Admitting it made it worse. Poor, sweet, handsome Carfron risked his life to save me from myself, and I murdered him for it. Okay, Trelix, how do I live with that?

"Why did you quit?" he asks again.

I bared my soul and he ignored everything I said. That that stung. I want him to scream at me, hit me, stab me, something, anything. Help me live with this guilt.

"Why did you quit?" he repeats. He's not robotic in his repetition. He's demanding. I've ignored his question, and he wants an answer.

"Quit what?" I ask, trying and failing to keep the annoyance out of my voice.