It's Alright - Todd x Neil

Chapter 1

Dear Neil,

I learned of poets who wrote about the beauty of love but also the despair and downfall of it. Love is something to stay alive for, but it's not always that easy. Love is not for the faint hearted. It is not easy and it is not perfect. 

I thought of marrying you, "Until Death do us part." I recited in my head, quietly to myself. I meant it. I didn't just mean as long as we both shall live, no, I mean that even though you are gone my love still remains true and strong as it was when you were with me. I'll love you as long as I live and if there's an afterlife I'll continue to love you then. 

Being in love with you was the best part of my life. But it was also the hardest, the saddest and the most tragic. You didn't just love me, you gave me a reason to live. You gave me words to speak, before you left I never spoke up about anything that mattered. I was to afraid so I sat in the corner, silent, but as Mr. Keating was escorted out of the classroom, Your words flooded my soul.

I defended him in all of his work, I defended you and everything your great name stands for. I screamed and cried out like the mad man hiding inside me. Because you are worth defending. 

Everything changed after you left. For weeks I sobbed myself to sleep because the bed next to me, that used to be yours, was empty. I know why you did it and I wish I had been there to help. If you could have just asked for help, Neil! 

I remember exactly how the night went when I heard the news. It was cold, snow suffocated the ground. I slept soundly when a voice woke me. 

"Todd. Todd." 

I opened my eyes to find Charlie beside me, leaning over my bed. I muttered something wearily and fell on my back. 

"Todd." Charlie said once more. I realized now he was crying. 

"What is it?" I noticed now that Charlie and I weren't alone. In the doorway stood the other Dead Poets. 

"Neil's dead." 

I didn't believe my ears. It couldn't be true, I thought it was just some cruel joke or something. But looking around at the others made me realize that what they were telling me was the truth. 

They walked me outside to the pond where you and I used to meet after school, practicing lines for the play. I looked around at the concerned boys, who looked at me worried. I looked around at the snow and the pond. "It's beautiful." I said. 

The others shared confused looks, but didn't say anything. I gagged and fell to my knees before emptying my stomach in the snow. I was in shock, in denial. I didn't understand how you, someone so full of life and ambition could die so easily. 

The boys comforted me. "It's okay Todd. It's okay." Pitts said, I wasn't quite sure which. 

"His father did it!" I claimed. "Neil wouldn't do that to us." 

I pulled away from them and ran down the hill to the pond tripping every so often. I heard calls for me telling me to come back, but I ignored them. The sound of my own yelling drowned their voices out. 

"Neil!!!!!!" I called out to you. 

You didn't answer.