Never good enough.

1rst day of hell.

(This is like they're writing in a notebook)

⚠️⚠️Tw: depression, mental health, trauma, trust issues, anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety, pills⚠️⚠️

I woke up with a throbbing head ache. My face had dried tears from that night. Yesterday i was broken up with, he was my best friend and he had asked me out. I had been inlove with him for a long time. He said he wanted to just be friends.

It's sad because it just hurt. I felt as if I was the one in fault. This one hit hard because I knew we would never go back to the way it was before and when we were together.

His sister was also a really close friend to me. I didn't want her to know I was hurting because of something he did I loved him. I was inlove with him. I felt as if I was flouting when he talked to me. All our late night conversations, talking about video games and anime and everyone we both hated.

I just wish I wouldn't have been so stupid to fall inlove with my best friend.

Everything has been hard lately. It felt off with my family. It wasn't the same as it used to be when I was little.

I feel as if everything is my fault. Because everything I do and say always ends up becoming another part of my hell of a life.

I've never felt so hurt being betrayed by my own family.

It hurts to talk about what I feel to others because they just keep saying "it will get better and everything would be okay."

It's only gotten worse.

Schools starts in 2 days. I haven't been able to get up out of bed ever since I told my mom about my trauma and depression.

I feel as if no one is there for me. I don't like talking about anything but when someone asks me if I'm okay when I feel horrible. I can't help but about what's on my mind. All that comes out is "I'm fine. I just need some air." Or "I just need space." When in reality I want to just say everything that's ever happened to me.

I hate talking about my medical issues and mental health issues because no one believes me. Someone has actually called it fake. And it hurt because they don't know what happens behind closed doors.

No one knows everything about me. I just wished I could have a break.  From everything.

When I go out it gets hard to breathe. When I'm alone with someone I can't move. When I get touched the slightest I get all shaky. I can't even be in the same room and family or friends without having my hand shake or without me having to look around finding something to use to hurt or a door to run out of.

It hurts to talk to someone because of people who have hurt me in the Past

It's hard to trust someone. Because everyone has disappointed me.

My dad told me to trust him with what I say. And I can't because I can't trust anyone anymore.

If someone yells at me I will cry. On the spot or start having a panic attack.  When I try to get some "air" someone always ruins it.

Im scared to go to school. I can't do what I used to. Such as talk to people trust people or be alone with people.

I will have panic attacks in class or become anxious and feel uncomfortable. These things run through my head 24/7  and it just makes it worse.

Im scared to speak in class because of a stutter or a accidental word slip up.

I have to get ready everyday which is something I can't do anymore.

Im very scared to go to school. I feel like shit. And my boyfriend... ex boyfriend picked the worst day to break up with me.

I will try to get up and get ready tomorrow without crying. I was 123 days free from crying until yesterday.

Fuck me. Fuck my life. Fuck everyone who's hurt me. Fuck everything.

I took 3 pills. I didn't die. But what would happen if I took more.