𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸𝚝'𝚜 𝙻𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝙻𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚆𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝙰𝚂𝙿𝙳!

𝐻𝑒𝑙𝑙𝑜!

Hello!

As I have previously stated, I am professionally diagnosed with ASPD. Many people, including trained professionals, tend to spread major misinformation about the disorder. This is not out of hate, but more so out of pure ignorance. Not much is known about the disorder, making it difficult to learn correct information about it. When I was first looking into the disorder, I was very misled about it, making me believe that I was unaffected. However, one day I scrolled upon a personal blog made by a man with ASPD. He talked about his childhood and his personal trauma and how it led him to lead a painful life until he got diagnosed. It really opened my eyes to how much I had in common with him. It honestly scared me a lot. I was only 15 in a family that believed mental illness was just an excuse to be lazy. In this book, I hope to help whoever may be in the same or similar position as me! Before we begin, let's look at what people like to say about ASPD. We will tackle this subject chapter by chapter...

First and Formost, ASPD stands for Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

( Now, I do not speak for everyone with ASPD, nor do I plan on playing the victim or making people pity anyone. A strong symptom for me is that I struggle strongly with accepting and recognizing my feelings. In fact, I used to journal when I was young. looking back, I see how much I lied to the pages, almost as if my mother were to read them. We will touch on this more later ;) I still struggle badly with recognizing my feelings, so writing this all down will help me. Hopefully lol. )

Going by a simple google article, ASPD is defined as "The disregard for people's feelings or emotions. People with ASPD easily manipulate people and force them to feel how they wish. They are unable to feel basic emotions such as regret or remorse. They also are impulsive and act easily off of anger."

Now, that was paraphrased, but many articles say things very similar.

I remember when I was young, I was often alienated or isolated from my sister because of one main factor, and I will say it here.

I am unable to feel regret or remorse. At least not towards other people.

Ever since I was young, I would command my parents to do things for me. Not like "Hey, you bitch! Clean my room!" more like "Moooooom, take off my shoes, I'm tired." even if I wasn't. It made me feel superior to my parents. It drove that yearning for self-validation. However, unlike me, my sister would hate asking our parents for any favors. She would take her plate to the sink every night, and she would always feel bad if she wasted any food. While I would always openly express if I didn't like the meal. I would even refuse to eat it until they made me another. ( holy crap, I didn't realize how strange that is lol. This is really helping me uncover some shit. )

I was talking to her a couple of months ago about the birthday parties our parents would throw for us. Both I and my sister are introverts, and we hate parties, but my mother loved throwing them. At a young age, I had openly expressed my hatred for them, and I wouldn't let my mom throw them for me. I used to tell her,

"If you throw me a party, I won't show."

My sister said, in that conversation not long ago, that she refused to tell our mother about her hatred towards her parties because she didn't want to hurt her spirit. I can't imagine putting myself through that just for my mother, no matter how much I love her. And I do, and forever will love her, a lot.

In the next chapter, we will go over Lying and how it has affected me and my relationship with others.