Calm Before Your Storm

Introduction, Part One

     He is much like the time of morning during the winter and fall just before dawn breaks. When you just begin the venture of meeting him, he appears cold and unforgiving - heartless, even. But when you wait just long enough to tap through his rugged exterior, his inner compassion and loyalty are enough to keep the sun rising each day. His blatant duality is the drug that keeps me ever so drawn to him.

     That being said, I never knew I could begin to love a man such as him. Throughout my entire upbringing, it had been ingrained in me that the good men, or the ones good for me for that matter, were outwardly radiant and kind. Those types of men are the ones that you could "read by their cover". With those men, what you see is quite clearly what you get. To love someone who exuberates anything other than those qualities would be foolish -- in the exact quotes of my mother, "How would the others view you?". What an easy way to disgrace your name. What an easy way to make a sweet, straight-and-narrow pathed girl become morally derailed and broken. I suppose I could easily be read by my cover as well, so I don't entirely think it is wrong of my family to try and steer me into loving men similar to me.

     I don't drink, I certainly don't smoke, and frat-style parties have never been something of my liking. Holding these opinions has unintentionally extended into how I dress: neatly combed hair, naturally applied makeup, and my shorts will never rise too far above the tips of my fingers.

     Don't take me for a prude, though. In my head, I frequently daydream about breaking out of my familiar, straight-laced shell and begin the life of a badass, zero-fucks giving kind of girl. Perhaps smoke a cigarette or take a hit off of someone's blunt. Maybe drink strong drinks - possibly to the point of drunkenness. However, at the end of the day, I feel guilty from the very thought of doing such things and continue to remain the same as I always have been. It's a confusing dynamic, but I can't say that I am depressed over it. It is simply the way I am.