By the dainty and terrifying age of 15 years old, I was extremely terrified of men. I mean full on guarded and boarded up heart, body, mind and soul. I still have yet to find a man who knows everything about me that has repeatedly kept an effort to keep me in their life.
Don't get me wrong, at 15, I had plenty of friends and was always smiling and laughing. Laughter hides the hardest goodbyes and the frowns or tears that follow. I had been hiding the perfect secret still from my family. Every time a thought of the previous years had popped into my head pushed me further and further into an anxious ball of depression. I was continuously self harming and my eating disorders were at their peak.
It feels so odd writing this as I lay in bed and wonder why it was now that I'm okay with telling the world my deepest fears and my darkest secrets but I will throw in another trigger warning. I'm terrified of undressing in front of people. Carefree 14 year old me was watched from my bedroom window and I've not been the same since then. I don't like people looking at my body like that. Voyeurism has messed me up entirely with how I view my body. It'll never be good enough. Not skinny enough, boobs aren't big enough, I'm too tall, my nose is crooked, etc. I know what I feel with myself. How I felt then, is exactly how I feel now. I never realized and still don't realize every one of my triggers, but I learn every day. I just wish I knew then what I know now.
Do you see a trend here? Repeated abuse from coward men that I was terrified of. I didn't ask for any of this to happen to me. It has though and I have to understand now that my younger self was scared to press charges and I grew into an entirely different person. My laughter was shorter, I didn't smile as much, I kept myself company, never hung out or dated anyone. I was your average "good girl". I never smoked and never did drugs. I stayed to avoid arguments and never spoke up about anything. That is until now.
The further you read into my book and the further you follow this with me, the more you're gonna learn about me. More than my family even knows.
YOU ARE READING
What A Mess?: Figuring Life Out While Living In A Nightmare.
Non-FictionThis is based on REAL events, from my life that I have LIVED through. This is about me, right now. I'm only 27, however, age doesn't define experience. I'm human and know what it's like to live in a nightmare of my own.
