Glass Half Full: Our Australian Adventure

Chapter 2 What have we got ourselves into now?

Chapter 2 What have we got ourselves into now?

 

In my experience, the child custody and court procedures, generally favour the manipulators. I played by the rules and failed to win custody of my daughter Molly. They favoured a stay-at-home, dole scrounger like my ex-husband, Jack, over a full-time, working mum already successfully raising two children.

I continually and consciously remind myself during life’s testing and difficult times: I am going to survive this, I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy. I value life. The death of my mum in her fifties, before she saw or experienced her grandchildren, reinforced the fact that there are no guarantees about life expectancy. Therefore, I want to make the most of every minute, of every day of my life. I strive to ensure that I surround everyone around me with positive thoughts and actions. I am a true believer in ‘what goes around comes around.’ If you always treat others the way you would like to be treated, then you will attract positivity from the people and experiences you encounter. Unfortunately, not everyone who has entered my life has shared my viewpoint. I have been hurt, physically and emotionally, on many levels in my life to date. Despite this, I have always tried to instil my positivity in my family’s capabilities. This, I hope, equips them to overcome the many challenges and uncertainties faced as individuals and as a family.

I was motivated to interact with other people who were also failed by the system or enduring similar experiences. Nigel and I joined an online British expat forum to help us research and manage the immigration process. Despite the stress and expense of our year-long child custody proceedings, my soul was nurtured through sharing experiences on the forum. The camaraderie, advice, and support from the members we encountered was immeasurably helpful. It impacted not only the child custody and permission process, but also visa choice and application aspects. The assistance of the moderators and migration agents is a valuable asset, and we offer our greatest thanks to all involved. Everyone wants to read the good news stories, but when you are in the midst of the child custody system, you feel compelled to read the sad news stories too. These people need the support of others with experience of the process. Heroically, some of them, despite their own sorrow, were still willing to advise and assist those of us still working in the maze of social worker assessments, contact centre visits etc. We gleaned precious fragments of advice, shared on the forum, from those successful in gaining permission as well as those refused the right to remove their child. The sadness and heartache witnessed, when reading news of a failed request to relocate or an unsuccessful custody hearing, still haunts me now.

The year-long children’s court battle subjected our family to extreme, enduring, bureaucratic scrutiny. This tested our commitment to pursue our dream. The accusations, innuendo, and interrogation of our character and our lives commenced and continued, unrelenting. The court assigned us a Family Court Adviser (FCA) from an independent organisation known as the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service. (CAFCASS) The role of the FCA is to gather information about what would be in the ‘best interests’ of the child and report to the court with their findings and recommendations. The other role, in our case, involved facilitating mediation and supervised contact visits. As parents or just as human beings, you can probably imagine the hurt we suffered. We had been parents for over twenty years, raising healthy, well-adjusted and intelligent children, so having a social worker interview you to discuss your methods feels insulting, most certainly so when it is implied we were inflicting the stress on our children. It sickens me still that anyone might doubt our ability to provide the best care and upbringing for Jaime, or any of our children. For Nigel, this intrusive process provoked a unique mixture of emotions. Over the years, he had witnessed the effects of Jack on not only my life, but on the lives of our other children. He hated Jack for it. Nigel is a very straight-talking person and as the only ‘daddy’ Jaime ever knew, this intrusion was offensive. When Jaime’s session involved carrying out role-play by placing stones on a mat, I sensed Nigel’s anger. The stones represented members of her family whom she loved, cared about and would miss. There was stone for Jack and a stone for Nigel, but when Jack’s was designated the ‘daddy’ stone, it broke Nigel’s heart. Our ability as parents was put to the test in ways I hope few ever have to endure. Our whole life laid bare for social workers, solicitors, teachers and Jack to see.