Surviving Is Not Living

Chapter 1

"Vivian?" I could hear her call my name, I just chose to ignore it and hope she somehow dissapears.
"Vivian!"
"Yes?"
"Are you listening to me!?" my mother asks with her car keys in her hands, ready to go drop me off at my favorite person.
"Mom, I'm coming.."
I take a deep breath, close my eyes and walk out the door.

The car ride there was awkward again.
I put my earphones in and stared at the candy wrapper on the floor, as if it would give me the answer to life.
"So how are you feeling?" my mother asks.
Is she kidding?
Was the suicide attempt a week ago not a hint?
"Mhm" I try to avoid the conversation.
"That isn't an answer Viv"
"Mom, you keep staring at them and now you ask me how I'm feeling while driving me to a therapist, yeah mom I'm doing great" I sarcastically answer and turn my music up.

We stop in front of the entrance, I already know the drill, I leave my phone on the passenger seat and go inside, only this time I didn't greet her.
"Hello love"
It's Emiry the secretary, she's a sweetheart.
"Hi Em, am I early?"
"She will be out now, we've got a new one"
I always enjoy seeing new people there, I like seeing them come in and dissapear after a few weeks, I've been here for more than a few months and I still don't believe I'll get better.
"Oh?" I reply wanting to sound interested.

A few minutes pass and the door opens.
I try to listen in on the greeting, what can I say? I'm bored.
"I'll see you again on Friday"
I can hear them coming from the hallway, time to see the new comer.
"Yeah sure"
Sounds like a male, maybe my age? maybe older?
They approach the front desk and i stand up to greet them.
"Hi I'm-" he interrupts me by lifting a finger.
"Save it, I'm not here to make friends"
"Listen bud I've been around longer, two weeks and you're out and happy" I can be an asshole too, after all this is therapy right?
He turns around and looks me up and down.
"Vivian let's go" Lucia says.
"Yes" is the only reply I could think of so I don't strangle this man.
I turn around and before leaving I look at him,
"Nice to meet you, I believe I'll be seeing you again...Friday Yes?"
"Don't get excited" he replies
"I'd rather eat the hospital's jelly"
He shrugs, signs out and there he goes.

"Who is he?" I ask as if they'll actually tell me.
"You know we can't Viv"
"Had to test my luck right?"
Both Emiry and Lucia giggle and Lucia turns to me again.
"Well then you know where to go" and walks down the hall.
As always I quietly follow.

We enter the big and so called "homey" office, and I go lay down on the yellow sofa, sitting sounds like to much work today.
"How are things today? I haven't seen you in over a week" Lucia asks
I was hoping she avoids that topic.
"Yes" I answer
"What happened Viv?"
"My mom didn't call you?"
"No?"
Of course she didn't care to call my therapist, why should she?
"I was in hospital" I say "and almost the psych ward"
"What did you do?" She asks, she had that look on her face again, the look a mother gives a child when they cry after falling and scraping their knee.
I save myself the story and carefully lift my sleeves to reveal my bandaged wrists.
"Vivian..." I know she's speechless, I cover them again and look her in the eyes.

Well, here goes.
The entire process all over again.

An hour's session passed and I get handed the pink box of tissues to wipe my tears.
We stand up and she opens the door to escort me out,
"I want to see you again on Friday"
"4'oclock, I know"
I sign out and walk out to the parking lot to see mister unknown sitting on the three little steps outside, my mom isn't here yet, it's Wednesday so my brother gets picked up from basketball practice first, he can't just wait five minutes, no why sould he.
"You've been sitting here for an hour" I try to engage in conversation.
"I didn't take you as a stalker" he replied sarcastically
"So why are you here?" I asked
"Same reason as you, I need therapy"
"Touché"
"What happened?" He asked whilst looking at the bandage on my wrist.
"Nothing" I hoped he'd leave it there.
"It's cool" he claimed
"What? My suicide attempt" I asked shocked
"No, but now I know what happened"
Shit, great first conversation.
"Smart ass"
"See you Friday" he said while standing up and picking up the wallet and car keys next to him.
"You have a car?" I asked in amusement
"Looks like it" he said while still walking away and unlocking the car.
"So why did you sit here?"
"Had to get to know you right?" He answered with a cheeky smile.
I walk up to his car and put my hands on the window, trying to get him not to leave.
"What's your name?" I ask desperately
"Who knows" he says and starts the car, I catch a glimpse of a book on his passenger seat, it has a name tag that reads "Dimitri" and I take my chance.
"Drive safe, Dimitri" I say, matching the level of his arrogance and he looks at me, shocked but calms down quickly only to reply "I will, Vivian Grace" and drives off.

How does he know my name, nevermind that, how does he know my middle name?!
My mother and brother pull up and I silently get in the car.
"Are you not greeting today?" My mother says as if she is taunting me.
"Hello mother, Hi Brian"
"Hey sis" my brother greets, he never calls me 'sis' meaning he wants something.
I say nothing on the ride back home, how could I? All I could think about is Dimitri and not in a loveable way, I'm not day dreaming, but the fact that he knows my middle name, that creeps me out.

We stop at home, I get my phone from the car and immediately go up to my room so I could avoid any and all conversations on how my therapy went, nevermind going to school tomorrow that's going to be a bigger shit show than today.
But Dimitri, his brown eyes-
"I'm home!" and the front door closes, yep that's my dad interrupting my thoughts as always.
"Grace, Ajax!" my dad has always called us by our middle names
"Coming!" My brother yells back while running down the stairs with a basketball in his hands of course.
I get to the kitchen and greet my dad with a hug before he begins to help my mom with dinner
"So how was therapy today?" My dad asks hopefull
"The usual I guess, I met someone new there today"
My brother suddenly shows interest and sits closer to me
"Who is this someone?" He asks with a smile, as if it's true psych ward love.
"His name is Dimitri, apparently he has driving privileges" my brother looks concern as he asks "Does he have dirty blonde hair? Maybe drives a Grey Toyota?"
"Yes?" I answer hesitantly
"Viv that dude had problems, he's in my English class"
"Brian I'm not in love with the guy we just see the same therapist, it's no big deal" I say convincingly
"I'm just saying"
Why is he bad news?, and why does my brother care?

My mom dishes up, Lasagne with a salad as a side, every Tuesday night's dinner.
"Right then let's say grace" my dad says.
I was never religious, but I keep my mouth shut and close my eyes to keep them happy, it's the least I can do.
I take my plate and walk upstairs as I always do but I get interrupted by my dad tonight "Viv, eat with us?" I can feel my body getting ice cold "Dad, I'm exausted I'm just going to eat in my room and get in bed" I try to dodge the situation,
"Please" he says while looking at me and I have no choice but walk to the dining room table, his smile makes me feel bad.
My parents and brother start to eat, but I can't, this plate infrond of me is huge and lasagne doesn't help my fear for food, I slowly start eating the salad, hoping that they would let me go to my room, two bites...three and I can't go anymore.
"Mhm, it's delicious mom thank you" I say, trying to get out of this
"It's a pleasure honey, aren't you eating your lasagne?"
"Oh..yes" I know I have to take a bite.
I get the smallest piece of lasagne on my fork and put it in my mouth, then my dad looks up at me, I know i have to swallow it now, and there it goes.

I stand up and put my plate in the oven,
"Thank you" I say and run upstairs knowing that my brother's eyes are following me, he knows.
I finally get to my bathroom, sit in front of my toilet and put my finger in my throat, it's disgusting, but it has to get out...
It has to get out.

I brush my teeth, change my bandages and get into bed, hoping my insomnia would give me a break tonight.
School tomorrow is going to be...interesting so say the least.