Surviving Is Not Living

Chapter 2

"Vivian, it looks like you haven't slept in days, are you ok?" Saffron has been my best friend since we were six she always checks up on me, but this time she was serious, she knew something was up.
"I'm fine Saff" I know she didn't buy it otherwise she wouldn't have found me.

Third period, Biology. I didn't bother doing my homework, I didn't even plan on waking up that morning, apparentlyit wasn't enough sleeping pills again. Mr Graham was in a mood so he checked homework.
"Miss Carlow" he said tapping with a pen in my desk, "Yes Mr Graham?" I said careless.
"Would you like to explain why my homework is not done?"
"Sir, I-" then he cut me off "No, no apologies and no explanations. Go to the principles office immediately"
I didn't say a word...
I didn't bother to try.
I walked out of the classroom, leaving my bag there, my phone and my headphones.
Standing infront of the principals office I was sick to my stomach, i put my hand on the door knob, then I stopped and turned around, I walked out of the school's gates without hesitation, and then straight home.

I slammed the front door close and I went up to my bathroom, in anger I grabbed the menora blade and sat on my bedroom floor. I paused. Then I closed my eyes and breathed out as I slit my wrists, I realised that I cut them deep, deep enough to finally...not wake up.
I closed my eyes and smiled, it hurts, shit it fucking hurts, it'll be over in a minute, the pain will finally stop...all of it.

Then I heard it "Viv?" It was Saffron, she was about to descover my lifeless body on the same bedroom floor where we played dress up as kids, "I'm sorry" I whispered as I blacked out.
"Vivian are you home?! Vivian, hey are you in here, this isn't funny-" then she opened my door and let out a blood curdling scream as her tears flowed like a river
"Vivian Grace, you are not leaving me today!" She yelled as she dialed 911.
They arrived and got me to the hospital just in time to survive, I have no clue how I did.

I opened my eyes and saw my mother, Saffron, my dad and my brother standing in my hospital room.
"Oh honey" my mom started crying as she touched my hand
"What were you think-"

I hate having dreams about that day, it's worse than the random flashbacks. I open my eyes and see my alarm clocks neon green light, 04:45am. Shit. I slept two hours, I have to wake up in 15 minutes to meet Saffron at 6am outside my house, she wants to get iced coffee and a poppy seed muffin at Lily's Diner before going to the hells core, she always picks me up since her aunt bought her her new car.

I hear a glass shattering down stairs and get up from bed, I have nothing better to do.
My brother's bedroom door is wide open and the kitchen light is on, What the fuck is he doing at 04:45am?
I continue to walk to the kitchen as I see my brother standing over a broken whiskey glass, my dad is going to murder him if he sees that.
"Brian?"
"Vivian don't give me shit, it was an accident" he tries to explain
"Since when do you drink whiskey?" I ask sarcastically while I help him pick up the glass pieces.
"Since when do you not?" He replies while giggling, but he suddenly loses his smile and looks at me "Why did you do it?" my heart drops
"What?" I ask but I know what he's talking about
"Why did you do it" he asks while looking at my wrists
"I'm sorry Brain" I whisper as my eyes start to tear up "Vivian..." he silently says while pulling me closer and holds me while I hopelessly sob in his arms on the kitchen floor.
He looks at me and I know he doesn't know what to say
"Come on, get up" he says and picks up the scards of glass, he throws it away and sticks his hand out to me, I grab his hand and stand up
"Thank you" I say while wiping my last tear "Look at us, all brother and sister love mumbo-jumbo at 5am" I giggle, he rolls his eyes and laughs while running up the stairs.

Silence.

I go get a bottle of water from the fridge and sit on the kitchen counter. I stare at the clock on the wall 05:00am, yep time to get up. I quickly go upstairs to my room and get in the shower, nothing feels better than hot water running down my spine, I didn't bother washing my hair a messy bun is good enough today. I get dressed and go downstairs to get my usual double shot of espresso to get through the day.
"Morning honey" my mom greets me, she's in a surprisingly good mood.
"Morning mom, I'm not catching the bus today Saffron is picking me up where's dad?"
"He had to get to the hospital early this morning for surgery, a brain tumor"
My mother always felt proud telling us that my dad will be performing surgery.

I take my shot of espresso and hear a car outside, Saffron. "Bye mom, I'll see you tonight" I greet hoping she won't hold me up any longer "I'm picking you up after school, we could go for coffee?" Of course.
"Sorry mom, I'm going to Saffron after school her mom invited me for dinner" that is obviously a lie, I leave before she gets the chance to ask me to reconsider.
I get to the car and see the biggest smile on Saffron's face, it makes me happy seeing her happy.
"Hey babe!" she greets excitedly.
"Morning boo" wow, I'm happy to see this girl, obviously I won't tell her that, her ego is already big enough.
She connects the aux and plays our favorite song on the way to Lily's, we don't say a word to eachother we just sing as loud as we can.

We stop at Lily's Diner and get out of the car, before I could think of what to say Saffron hugs me tightly not saying anything just holding me. She steps back and smiles at me, I can't help but laugh, this is a happy moment.
We go inside and sit in our spot, Lidya, the waitress doesn't bring us menu's anymore, only a Chia latte and a Hazelnut Cuppacino.
"Thank you Lidya" Saffron says greatfully, then asks me "how are you love?" while holding my hand.
"I met someone at therapy yesterday..." I start talking and it feels just like before my attempt, and there we sit for an hour before paying and getting in the car.
"Saffron" I whisper under my breath with tears in my eyes.
"Vivian" She says with the same tone.
"You are all I have...thank you" I say while holding back tears.
"I love you Viv, I'll always be here" she starts crying and pulls me closer, I can't hold back my tears and they come pouring down "I love you Saf"

There we sit, crying in a parking lot.
Who knew it would get this bad...

We drive to school and stop in our spot, get out and grab our bags and start walking to the great big doors of the hells core.
I can feel the eyes on me.
I can feel my heart racing.
I can feel the panic attack coming.
Then...
I see it..
What the fuck is going on, and is that my memorial?
"I'm alive you assholes!" I yell without thinking.
This day is going to damn tiring.