How Do I Love? [abused Hinata Shoyo]

prologue

// TW: mentions death / suicide / abuse / self-harm //

—

"You had moved my world when you came, but you made it shake when you left."

3rd person perspective

A perfect life. That's what there was for a small sliver of time. When the sun shone happily and the birds sang freely and everything was carefree and simple.

Tell me, young Shoyo, what happened?

—

Hinata's perspective (reflective)

Up until age six everything was perfect. Loving family, happy childhood.

Then mother died.

Father became a drunk.

Sister committed suicide.

And suddenly,

I was alone.

I didn't know it at the time, I was still so small. I don't think I ever really understood it. They say that tough times are supposed to bring people closer together, but then why do I feel so

detached?

When mom died, I never understood why dad got so aggressive. He would shout at my older sister Natsu and me. He would throw things around. He would hit us. We didn't do anything wrong, so why was he like that to us? Anger. That's what it could have been, but then why does he cry? Sadness. That could be it. No, I think it's a more complicated emotion. Grief. Despair. Overwhelm. I list them out in my head. Regret. Despondency. None of them seemed to fit as perfectly as I had hoped. I kept trying, but eventually gave up. 

Sometimes everything felt like it was too much, like my head couldn't take it all in. I would have to relieve myself of the pressure, but how?

Sometimes I would cut. A slice here. A gash there. Not too deep. Just enough for blood to come trickling out. Just enough to see that lustful red beauty stain my skin. Just enough for the burning pain to sear through my being. To numb everything else.