An apology to others but mainly myself

writing again i guess

I'm procrastinating doing everything at this point, that's the only reason I was writing this in the first place. Here I am again going to rant about how I can't process my own emotions. Honestly I feel like I hit rock bottom, even though nobody knows that, probably because I didn't tell them in the first place because it feels wrong talking about me and my feelings when they all have shit they're going through too. The times I try not to be self centered are the times I end up being extremely selfish. I just have this need to always be the best and always do better than everyone else, I don't remember if I mentioned that or not in the last part but I can't even remember what day it is so I don't see the point in remembering. I met this girl who has the same problems as me, we're basically the same person, but I'm so narcissistic that I'm starting to like her too much. Once I get motivated to do stuff I always find a better reason to not do it, that's probably why I never clean my room, or shower, or change my clothes, or even get out of my bed. I got into a huge fight with Ky last night, which is kind of why I wrote this whole thing in the first place, but I told them that I was working on changing myself and my bad qualities, that was a lie. I can't change when I don't even know what the problem is to begin with. I tried expressing myself through art, but my mom got mad at me for it, I'm not sure why because I zoned out during the entire lecture. Yesterday I couldn't even pay attention in class because I was too busy saying all the states in alphabetical order in my head. I'm disappointed in myself because I can't do certain things without help, but I'm too scared to ask for help. That's probably why I'm making this, as a cry for help. I just want someone to tell me that it's okay and I'm not a horrible person. I hold too many grudges. While reading over this it sounds like a total unorganized mess but that's what my head feels like, I've been writing down the things that first pop into my head. I should get off my ass and clean my room.