It's currently 10:48 pm right now, and I feel like shit. It might be the fact that I have no outlet to my anger or jealousy so I just act out in stupid ways that make everyone around me pissed off. I normally don't write my feelings down because if I think about my feelings too much I'll start to actually feel them and that's the last thing I wanna do, but this is different, this time I wanna let everyone else know I'm a shitty person with shitty feelings. No I just want myself to know that so I don't have to feel this awful feeling again, and so that I can remember how bad it feels. I use random things as excuses to why I do stupid things because I can't handle the actual reason I do this shit. I can't even define what my own feelings are. I lie to make sure people are still interested in me and I lie so much that I convince myself the lies are real. I do it so god damn much that when I feel guilty I don't know which lie I feel the guilt for. I wanna fix myself but I'm too scared to actually work on changing because that means I'll finally be vulnerable for once in my life and I'm just not ready for that, I don't think I ever will be ready for that. I'm kind of done feeling sorry for myself because that means I can't be happy with what I've actually done right, which isn't that much to be honest. I'm sitting here writing in my notes about why I'm a guilty, lying, little bastard and I probably will post this on Wattpad or some shit so I can keep fetishizing my own sadness like normal. Honestly I'm tired of people telling me I won't understand what it's like being a bad person because I'm a child, but that's exactly why I know. I guarantee if I was an adult I would be running much faster from my problems than I am now, I mean that's what all the people I looked up to did. Once again I'm making excuses for my entire existence. I want to understand my emotions but I think that when I understand them I won't be able to stay away from them anymore. I'm just now aware that I'm a garbage person to other people. I'm the manipulative one not everyone else. I guess this is my way of exposing myself, no idea who I'm exposing myself to though. This is probably some way to earn pity points too. I'm just too caught up in what other people think of me that I don't even know what I think of myself, never mind, I know exactly what I think of myself. I hate myself a lot, more than I hate Ky, more than I hate katmin, more than I hate anyone else who I ever think has "wronged me" in some way. The difference between me and these people is that I actually did something to them. I made them upset. Not the other way around. I dragged Brirar, Xander, Jacob, and everyone else I know into the middle of every fight I've been in. That was just the Xbox people, I've done far worse to the people I know in real life. I ruined my relationships with them. It wasn't their fault and I know that deep down, I'm just too afraid to admit it. Briar is probably reading this, and if you are, I'm sorry that I made you feel like shit for my own amusement. I stir shit up just to feel like that rush of excitement, and it hurts to say it too. Im the reason that I'm a bad person, but I still can't get that through my tiny 12 year old brain. Even looking back at this stupid paragraph written by me, there were way too many I's in it. This whole thing was about me after all because I'm self centered.
YOU ARE READING
An apology to others but mainly myself
UmorThis isn't any poem or happy cute writing, this is about me and the problems I have with myself and the way I treat people. You can read if you want but it's just to remind myself about why I feel horrible most of the time.
