Rise

twenty seven

"WHAT'S THE POINT IN GOING NOW?" CLARA ASKED, SETTING her hands on top of mine. Her palms were cold and damp, the feel of them startling me. "Their efforts are still focused inside the City. You still have a few months."

"What then?" I asked. "Am I supposed to wait until I have a child, then go into hiding? He can have me killed, but the thought of him taking her . . ."

Beatrice sat on one arm of the couch. Whenever the girls came to the door she hurried them away, then resumed her position, legs crossed at the ankles, her head slightly turned as she listened.

Clara rubbed her face with both hands. "We won't let him take her," she said. "You're better off here. What are you going to do? Go back to the Palace and threaten him? Even if you do make it there, every soldier knows who you are-they know what you've done."

I turned, studying the side of Beatrice's face. She was silent. Behind her, Quinn and Ruby sat at the kitchen table. Ruby's eyes were red and watery, her fingers carefully pulling threads from a tattered napkin. "You know him, Beatrice, you've seen it," I said. "As soon as he can, he'll bring me back to the City."

"Then we'll come with you," Quinn said. "If you have to do this, let us help."

I stared at the pack beside my feet. Maeve had given me the bulk of the supplies, showing me how to steer the bike, how to load it so the weight was even on both sides. Out of all the women in the settlement, she'd been the least resistant to my leaving, and that felt like a subtle confirmation I was right. However dangerous it was, if I didn't return to the City now. He would come for me later-when I had a child who depended on me. When I was no longer alone.

I sat back, letting my hand fall to my stomach, imagining just what my mother had felt for me. How many times had she told me she loved me in those letters, in the way she combed my hair, carefully pinning each tiny curl back behind my ears? She had let me go, pressing me into the arms of a stranger, sending me away so I had a chance. But I was only beginning to know it now, in the midst of my own pregnancy, to understand what she'd felt. How all-consuming it was to love someone like this. Soon there would be this other person to protect. How could I bring her into this world, knowing she could be so easily taken from it? What kind of life would that be?

I shook my head, steeling myself against Quinn's words. "This is why I was going to leave last night-this is something I have to finish alone. I don't want anyone else to be in danger because of me. You heard it yourself, you know what's happening in the Palace."

"He'll have you executed," Clara said. "You have to know that."

I stood, pulling the pack over my shoulder. "That's why I have to find him first. There is no second-in-command. The Lieutenant doesn't hold the same power my father does. If he's gone, it'll be easier once the colonies arrive. They'll have a real chance at taking the City."

Clara's hand came down on my arm, but I pulled her into a hug, burying my face in the soft mess of her hair. "I'll be back in less than two weeks," I said. "I promise." I let the words hang there between us, as if saying them could make them true.

Ruby came to my side, her face as I'd never seen it at School. She pressed her fingers to her eyes, but they were still swollen and pink. Soon I was surrounded, Quinn, Ruby, and Beatrice, whispering to be safe, to send word through the radio if something happened along the way. "You have to come back," Ruby kept repeating. "You have to."

Outside, the gulls cried as they circled the bay. Some of the girls were coming up the dock, laughing as they ran. The pack felt heavier than it did when I had put it on just hours before. My hand went to my stomach, smoothing down my sweater to cover it.