"why would she.." a lesbian romance.

"I hate being sad."

I've been able to feel sad emotions for about a month now. It's awful. I went to a therapist since it started to get really bad and I was diagnosed with depression. I didn't tell anyone and nobody around me (like my peers) noticed, seeing as my outside personality didn't change at all. Before I even knew I had depression I had found about something called..

..self harm..?

Flash back to 4 days ago 

People online talked about it helping them overcome stress or relieving stress? I had been feeling so awful at the time and I wanted to get rid of the feeling, even if it was temporary. Now I know you're probably thinking "just donate your emotions to a random person you idiot" but you can't just randomly donate, the person has to give you permission to donate. Imagine someone just dumping anxiety and depression on you. You have to watch those emotions rot and then you can't live with yourself. 

So, seeing as I didn't know what to do and I wasn't thinking straight at all, I took a blade and cut the inside of my left arm and the left only. I made sure I didn't cut too deep seeing as I don't wanna die just yet. The blood trickled down my arm and dripped off my fingers, I made lots and lots of small cuts, explaining why there was so much blood. The skin all around the cuts was red and flared. My entire arm felt like it was on fire because of the stinging so I decided to run some cold water over the top of it, but it didn't really do anything. Shit. 

My parents weren't home as they had to leave for a week to take care of my ill Nan, and they couldn't check up on me a lot so they didn't even know about any of this.. After around ten minutes of bleeding, the cuts went all bumpy and turned pale they still stung if I touched them, but luckily not when the air was on them. 

Back to present

The cuts started to scab over and didn't hurt as bad as they did before. When I went to my therapist, and he saw my scars he took me very seriously. He asked me questions like "how long have you felt like this?" or "have you ever tried ending your life or thought about it?" or "have you self harmed more than once in the past?"  I stayed quite for most of the session, but the one thing I told him was, "I just hate being sad."

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