Profoundly alone

chapter 1; Preface

"I feel profoundly alone, cut off, unattractive. I feel unlovable. But I respect that unlovable soldier, struggling to survive, struggling to be honest, just honourable. I respect myslef"

susan sontag.

Do we all deserve death? If we consider death being... not peaceful, anyway -just a torturing end. A peaceful brake -on the other hand- seemed nice at the time.

Being a survivor of the dangerous wars, was more tiring than someone would thought. I felt more than exhausted, but also enraged.

The unecessary wars and harmfulness? That is what killed my friends. And, well... me. Dead inside counts too, right? I lost my soul a long time ago, along with any love, happiness, excitement, compassion,-if these things existed in me before- i ever felt. I lost my belongings and whatever was left. If i have anything that is not stolen, inform me. Except, from my teddy bear, which my mother had given me and some reocrdings on my phone.

My house? Stolen, it was actually abandoned but still. My clothes? Stolen. Seriously, how more could one take? I 'd like to know.

I lived alone -naturally- if an annoying kid that had taged along didn't count. I had found Alice in another abandoned house in San Francisco. It was the first place i had visited after having left Washington. 

I was looking for some clothes, when with the clothes i found, also, a little girl. I was so tired without much sense left in me that I just let her follow me. Her family wasn't there, it wasn't hard to guess what happened to them. She talked about them, but with time even less. I asked question so that she wouldn't forget them. They sounded like nice people, i was sure she was, too. Alice was her name, and she was only ten years old. I often found myself wondering what she would do if i hadn't found her, but every time i quickly asked her something to get my mind occupied with other thoughts. I had grown protective of her, like she was my little sister.

Anyway, we were in San Fransisco, ready to go to New York 's suburbs. I knew that we would find a place there. 

I loaded the suitcase with our things on our car and i waited for Alice to get her stuffed animal. I helped her get in the car, in the backseat and i started the engine.

I needed some noise, so i turned on the radio. I was too used of the quietness and the calmness. Of course, i had no intention of going to London, or England for any matter, Mexico or other places where the catastrophic results of the wars would appear more evident. I also had Alice, which meant that unlike some people, she didn't have to learn how cruel the world is.

"Hey Joe, what are you doing?" her childish voice called behind my shoulder.

"What do you mean?" i asked -the words were rushed.

"What are we doing?" she continued as if she didn't hear me "You never explained" i looked at her from our car's mirror and she grimaced.

I rolled my eyes evidently so that she can see that this question bothered me and then sighed.

"Since we are ready and long gone, I guess I can tell you" i caved in and stared into the street as I tried to pick the right words. I locked the doors for safety, for I didn't trust her childish manners and judgement. "What would you say if i were to tell you that we were moving?" i started.

"I would say NO! Why?" she cried out.

"Listen Alice" i tried to make my face look strict before continuing. "We can't stay here! You know I don't have the ability to pay taxes and stay permanently somewhere. When I reach the age of twenty one, I will probably not want to keep running away. So, just wait four years. That's what I am doing" i added quetly and sarcasticly.