An Open Letter To The Father Of My Daughters

Two Years Without Your Children Is Two Years Too Much

I'm writing this to you because I don't hate you and because I love our daughters. For many months I did hate you because when you left you didn't just leave me you left our children and it was extremely hard to watch them suffer so.

Every time I closed my eyes or went through the day in my mind I just pictured our daughter 11years old sitting on the bed indian style her little body shaking as you stomped out the door saying " fine  if you wont talk to me Im leaving" just like that, leaving in a huff when you hadn't seen her in weeks. Watching her sit at the computer for hours expecting you to be there at 9 and 2 rolls around and still no daddy. You pushing my sweet beautiful 17 year old away by the face because she was upset at a time where she had every right to be upset, she was even woman enough to try to apologize and I watched you turn your back to her in that court room like a child. 

I packed up our house in the middle of the night  like it was a game so our children wouldn't see it as something terrible.  I realize that when we met I wasnt ready to trust someone nor was it fair that for far too long I let my past trauma do harm in our relationship, but you did work very hard to make me trust you and in us and for the most part the kids have wonderful memories of us as a family. Until December they did see an example of a loving fun father that they loved to talk to and trusted so much. 

I know that we disagree that children's ages should be considered when they do something wrong, but I think surely we can agree that seeing us dancing together and being happy together, talking about our future and you moving out a few weeks later, emotional outbursts and screaming and blaming them would be traumatic and hard on anyone, for the most part we only ever argued a handful of times throughout the years  and  we carried on after separating for almost 6 months holding hands in front of them was just too confusing and I never should have let that happen. The day you took off your wedding ring, instead of trying to do all those things you wanted me to do, I should have gone to file the papers and just left you alone.

There's never a perfect divorce, but there can be peace, coparenting, they need security and children do not have to pay the price. Yes they needed time to grieve and to know that they come first and it didnt turn out that way in their minds, but they loved you and wanted to see you even if it was only for a few days , even if it wasn't just y'all, and for time with you to be the same as they've always known. 

Our daughter  is not a brat, she is a loving responsible, kind girl who cried alone in her room every single day that y'all argued and every time her sister had to go home, because she missed the two of you so much and everyone's life changed that year in ways that really affected us all. 

I talked to them last night and as long as you listen to them and start showing up for them in ways that make them feel important to you I am in your corner. C looks just like you, she blocked you after your last text.
I had a very hard time accepting that you hate me and that you would let someone tear me down and you had never called me names before, but over time I've been able to reflect on our past and I still remember you nervously telling me you loved me when I did not want to get married or even trust in a committed relationship, I remember you going to every dance, every field trip, fun broke spontaneous trips to the beach, and you rushing out the door to help an old man that fell in a parking lot, and you saved my dad's life. 

The man that I remember is so different from the man you are today and that's ok, but it's still a bit painful to think how things turned out because there's nothing, there is no one that could stop me from being that man's friend and I try to tell the girls about the man that I knew and loved, I want them to remember good things about you and us because it's always bitter sweet when I want to share their stories and their lives with the only other person who was there when they were made. 

They deserve to have both parents unconditional love and support, I am proud of my children, and I'm proud of our daughters for being brave enough to tell you how they feel. I've been so proud of them for being able to communicate how they feel and set boundaries and they have the confidence that I wish I had at their age. I'm so happy that they have all grown so close and they aren't bitter or mad, they just accept the way things are and we've made all big life choices together. I'm not worried that  anyone could ever change them or that I'm not a good mom. 

Our young women know in their heart that you love them, they are trying to deal with their feelings and life as best they can and they talk to me, trust me.

I've told them the truth as much as possible when they came to me with anything over these past couple of years. I'm human I've made mistakes, I don't deserve anything but respect as the mother of you children and you deserve respect as their dad.

They know that I love them and that I love you for giving me them, and that alone went a long way to help them go through all this mess. I'm doing the best that I can, I think I'm doing a good job, I'm not just a friend but a mother who wants them to grow up to be good and loving. Young ladies able to set boundaries with confidence and maybe they can avoid making the same mistakes I did.  I've checked my phone since you've said you can't reach me and I know the 3 numbers I have for you have not been blocked for over a year, so if you really have tried to text or call maybe it's blocked on your end.

I hope things can get better for you and the girls, showing up and continuing to try to reach out is a good starting point but actions need to be made to show you mean it, to prove you really care. I hope you have the life you deserve and are safe on your travels.

Thanks,
Cheryl Renee' Chastain