but there's a hole inside of me and it's shaped like you

when she found out.

two weeks ago

for the past few weeks, she had noticed a change in her appetite and mood swings. she normally felt this way during her period week but there was no period for an entire two months. at first she thought she just hadn't been healthy enough since she had also missed her period in the month that her mother died as she barely ate in her depressed state. but her diet and exercise were both perfectly healthy these past few months.

the thought she might be pregnant hadn't even occurred to her until she googled the symptoms which she wanted to smack herself for. why hadn't she realized sooner? for the next few days, she was in a state of denial and confusion and couldn't bring herself to tell anyone her suspicion, not even seokhoon or jeni. she did her best to hide it, especially because seokhoon looked more stressed these days, university must have been draining his energy. and what if she was wrong anyways?

she took the test one evening when jeni and mari had both gone out shopping and she had told them she felt tired and wanted to stay home. once they left, she did the test and waited in panic for the results to come while sitting on her bed. suddenly, the test beeped and she jolted from her seat, wanting so badly not to look and see something she didn't want to see. it was times like these when she wished she had her mother to calm her down. but she wasn't here and she'd have to pull herself together and take care of this ordeal before jeni and mari came back home. she closed her eyes and held out the test in front of her and slowly opened her eyes.

a red + stared back at her.

her breath caught in her throat and she stared in confusion at what she saw in front of her. no way. there was no way. how could this of all things be happening to her? when she was going through enough already?

she stood up, looking around in horror as if someone was about to catch her with the test. she quickly wrapped up the test in toilet paper and tossed it into the trash can and took it out immediately.

when she came back, she fell to the floor, covering her face with her arms. i can't do this. i'm not ready for this. how can i be a mother when i just lost my own? when my life is just starting? her heartbeat quickened as the stress of it all sank in. she was barely making enough money for her own living and mari was kind enough to feed her and live with her despite the family problems going on at home. no college or singing audition would accept her and her mother's name was entirely ruined. and seokhoon was in university, not working either, and completely focused on school.

her heart dropped when she thought of him. how would he react when she told him? of course he would take responsibility for his child and make sacrifices, like dropping out of university to take care of the child. but he was on the right path to a good future even if she wasn't. this could ruin everything for him too.

she cried out in frustration and hit her knees. why couldn't they have been more careful? why didn't the protection work? why did fate align against her on the day that caused this? she started sobbing, hugging her knees. she couldn't comprehend the weight of it now, but she knew if she had this baby, everything would change.

that night she went to bed early, pretending to be asleep by the time mari and jeni came home. she cried quietly, hugging her pillow and forcing away any thoughts about the pregnancy, feeling too tired to think about it at all.

what she needed was a long rest from everything.