(Writing what pops in my head so This is all over the place)
Butterfly is probably just an insect to you.
It was to me at one point also, until...
I had saw one the moment I stepped out of the hospital to take a walk the day my granny had passed, or when I was on my way to poppies funeral, or when I saw one on the way to the hospital to tell my pop goodbye.... I like to believe that they are my best friends visiting me, letting me know that they're okay. Recently since my pop has passed I've seen one every time I'm in a car , and I mean every time, and it's been 3, usually a morpho, monarch and a Papilio glaucus. It's usually hard to goto sleep unless I take my medicine, the thoughts, the moments you wish you could go back too, keep re-playing until I cry myself to sleep or exhaustion takes over.
-They all mean something spiritually if you want to look them up.
Lately I've been so lost, I'm not even sure what I want to do with my life anymore and not like job wise you know? More like I just don't know what do with myself. I hang out with my friends sometimes but not for long, before I get burnt out, I have fun but I've definitely been more antisocial than normal these past 2 months.
I had planned to move to Oregon beginning of September actually but my pop passed and I got scared. That's over 2,300 miles, 33 hr drive, 9-13hr flight. That's a long ways if something were to happen not just to me but even one of my loved ones, and I already don't see them as much as I'd like and I'm only 3 hrs from them. It's not like I don't have a dream, I just don't know how to chase it ? I guess... like how do I pay my bills and leave. I miss just feeling free in a way, I feel trapped like I'm living the same day over and over again and I don't like that. I always had to pack up and leave as a kid and I guess I just became accustomed to that because I don't know how to not do that even as an adult, like I don't know how to settle because I was so used to just leaving when things got hard, and my parents had my granny's help when they needed to get out I unfortunately do not have that but I do have a lot of people who support me no matter what decision I make.
College didn't work out, and I don't blame anyone for that, financially and mentally it's on me. I guess I was just trying it out hoping that my granny would magically appear and help me , but luckily my sisters do have the privilege to goto college and I hope they take it, they deserve the best, that's all I've ever wanted for them, to be able to follow their dreams and that might not even be college but I hope they take the chance if they want it.
Butterfly is probably just an insect to you, and at one point it was to me too, Now it's a reminder that Everything is okay, even if it doesn't feel like it.
