The ZYX's and The ABC's of Reality

Reality

Zany is the word I'd use to describe you. You're the attention craving love child of your parents, or so I thought. Xyrophobia, is the one thing that I'm not afraid of, using razors to tell the story on my skin. We sit on the bathroom floor, blood covered our hands. Violently shaking from the relief and blood withdraw, while you still seem to be fine. Useless sobs rack my body, about how you seem to not love me anymore. Thankfully, you don't seemed pained by what my actions were. So, I sit there in peace still having you stare at me. Razors are still clutched in my hand is that why you won't come near me? Quietly you inch forward and take it out of my hand and throw it as hard as you can. Painfully, you look at me with disappointment in your eyes. Oppressed by the feelings that flood through me I itch for the blade to slice open my skin once more. No longer being able to be the girl I used to be because you've changed me. Mostly, what hurts is the way you are looking at me, it makes me feel worse. Like I have hurt you in some way. Killing you, please my goal was to kill me. Justifying what kind of person I am when I hurt the one I love the most. I do love you, I might show it in the weirdest way how but i do love you. Hearing you shout my name as im fading away into the darkness, I smile. Guaranteeing that you care for me somehow, you take care of me. Forgetting all the bad things that have once happened and just slowly watch the world slip out of my reach while you rock me in your arms. Empathic to how you must feel right now, I've lost a lot of people to the way you just happen to be losing me right now. Drifting off into the land of the unknown, I hear you screaming quite slowly and you start to whisper the words "I love you." Catching my breath, this time I know you mean it, I hate myself for not believing you when I had the chance. Breaking my own heart, I can feel my heart slowly coming to a stop. All at once everything just seems to freeze.

Annoying, repetitive, the beeping sound started to get on my nerves. Beeping rhythmically to the sound of my heartbeat. Crying on the inside, because I knew I was alive but no longer have him. Dying would've been better. Especially, the reason i'm in this situation is because I lost him before. Following my instincts, I open my eyes. Getting to see that he was still here, on the couch thats next to my bed sleeping silently. He stayed, proving me wrong, which makes me happy. I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. Just thinking about him not being with me hurts more than i could ever hurt myself. Kissing in the bed of his truck, stargazing at the drive-in, memories flushed through my mind about our dates. Like the ones at the park, the ones where we go see a movie, but most importantly the ones where i was with him, I love him. My heart skips a beat and the heart monitor reflects it and he wakes up. Noticing that I am awake makes a look of relief crosses his face. Overcoming the ups-and-down, has been the hardship of our relationships. Perfect relationships don't really exist, love is painful, love is hard. Quietness fills the room, well along with my heart monitor, he sits down and puts his head in his hands. Relaxing into the couch, he looked up at me with tears in his eyes. Saying that he loves me, and he can't live without me, he poured his heart out. Tearing out my heart while hes at it, in a good way. Understanding everything that he was saying, I tried to get out of the bed and he shot up from the couch and told me no. Voices in my head are back and I push them away
because they don't control me anymore. When he sees me fighting, he sits on my hospital bed and sings 'You are my sunshine." to me. Xanax used to calm me down, but now I no longer need it, now you are my escape. You have brought me happiness more than I deserve. Zealously, loving you with all I have, you can't ever leave.