Things I Should Tell a Therapist

Weight

My weight has always been a touchy subject to me,
I honestly don't remember when it's not,
It's sad to think,
That the years go by,
That a little girl who will soon be 16,
Struggles with her weight when weight started to poison her mind.

Maybe it started in 2nd grade,
When I was that little girl,
The little girl who wore the frilly dresses,
And rolled around in the mud with the boys in my class,
I remember hating my body,
Because under that frilly dress,
Was a prominent collar bones,
And rib that stuck out.
I use to hate myself,
Because I learned my 123's by counting my ribs,
And that I always looked like a walking skeleton,
That put on some flesh and a frilly dress.

And then I only loved my body,
Because it was "model worthy",
And I wanted to be a model,
Because I was just flesh and bones,
Like all the pretty models out there,
And that's was the only time that I loved my body.

Skip to 7th grade,
That's when I hated myself more,
Because I gained that meat I wanted so long ago,
And that was wrong,
Because I'm fat,
I needed to cut down on food,
Or I'll be more fat then I am now.
And I went home that night crying,
Because I was getting healthier,
Because I was a human,
And no longer "model worthy",
I tore those thoughts into flaws,
Because after all,
They're flaws.

The next day started a forever reign,
Of starving,
Because I wanted to be "model worthy" again,
Because I wanted to be beautiful again,
Because my flaws were too much for me,
Because my mind was now poisoned,
Because I was told that I needed to be perfect.

Then there were days where I was flawed,
That I'm too skinny,
Too skinny to be "model worthy",
Oh god,
I wanted to be "model worthy",
So I ate what I could,
But in the end,
I'm still fat,
And never will be "model worthy".

Skip then to now,
A true struggle for me,
Because I become happy with myself,
And I eat and do things to myself,
That makes me happy,
But then those days come,
An endless 2am thought that will never go away,
That I'm too fat,
I need to eat less,
And be more active,
That's when it comes crashing down,
I become little 7th grade me again,
Trying to be "model worthy" again,
Because after all,
I still want to be "model worthy",
So I eat less,
Then eat more,
Then back down to less,
Making it an endless see saw,
Because I still want to be "model worthy",
But I know I'll never be,
Because I never was "model worthy",
Nor will I ever be.

And that will forever be my greatest flaw yet.