Always.

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22 December 1994

My eyes observed the surroundings. The air I exhaled out of my lungs clouded over and merged into the icy mist. Frost. The grass had flattened and almost crystallised over since my last arrival. When looking up at the woodland, water dripped down from the branches and onto the grass. The frozen mud that sat in little pools around the meadow significantly proved how shrivelled and mentally cold this place had turned. Just like the memories. 

As I tried to fidget the tears out of my eyes, my numb fingers flickered with the lighter I had unawarely pulled out of my back pocket. As I watched the flames blend with the fog, my eyes focused to the dead flowers in front of me. When I moved closer, I noticed the leaves had weeped and the petals were drooping. 

A droplet made its way down my cheek. The flowers were dead. Just like the things that could have been. Thinking about it. The meadow was barely a significance. In fact, a mere dead forgotten place was the only barrier to forgetting my memories at all. I tried to take in my surroundings one last time and walk away. Yet all movement in my limbs overpowered me. My body has fused itself to the floor. It was clinging on. It didn't want to forget.

I collapsed into the muddy flower bed, surrounded by leaves. Why couldn't I forget? I lit a cigarette and took in the smoke staring up at the sky. I was alone. Still fidgeting, I started to burn the leaves on the floor with my zippo. Fire was the only thing that really calmed me. The feeling of warmth and light at the same time was calming, yet an increased amount could be too much to handle. If you handled it wrong, what you once had would shrivel away. Much alike the feeling of him.

Still lay in the grass, I picked a flower. Violets. He always made a joke about violets seen as it was my name. I couldn't handle forgetting him. Yet he was gone. Every conceivable aspect of his face jutted into my head, unmoving, static. Every memory repeating like a broken record. 

The mixtapes, dancing to Bon Jovi, the endless cinema trips. Falling asleep in his arms, him delicately twirling my hair, his hot breath down my neck. The shiver down my spine when my eyes touched his. The excitement, the happiness.

I forced myself to forget. I tried. Yet I could still hear him. Whispering my name.

'Violet'

It had been a year since the accident. A year since my life was torn apart. A year since Oliver had died. Yet I still felt his body here. In the flowers and in the trees.

As I furiously wiped the tears from my bloodshot eyes, I kicked the leaves in anger. He shouldn't of left me. He shouldn't of got into trouble. Why did he die? I couldn't live without him, didn't he know that? I looked up at the white sky and screamed. 

"Why did you disappear? I NEED YOU".

I focused my eyes onto the meadow floor when my heart skipped a beat. As I looked closer, I saw something poking out from under the leaves. Violently, I brushed the leaves aside, when my heart stopped working. It was his handwriting. It was a letter. Frantically, I ripped apart the sodden envelope and read;

"I think its time you need to say goodbye.

I hope you like the t-shirt.

I love you

Oliver"

Tears streamed down my face as I kicked the leaves around looking for something more. As I approached a clump of leaves I felt something different as I kicked at it. His shirt. His Bon Jovi t-shirt. I grabbed hold of it and held it to my face, unable to think, breathe or even feel my emotions. I was numb.

My eyes glazed over and my cracked voice whispered the lyrics as I heard Olivers voice sing with me in my brain.

"And I will love you, baby - always.

And I'll be there forever and a day - always,

I'll be there till the stars don't shine; 

till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme.

And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind 

and I'll love you - always."

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⏰ Last updated: Jan 19, 2013 ⏰

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